Saturday, 14 March 2015

Animal Swearing


I was just walking back from the grocery store along a tree lined section of the street when a large apple dropped to the ground right beside me. Another foot to the left and I would have been apple sauced. I kept walking for a few paces and then I stopped. That couldn’t be an apple tree that close to the road or I would have been squishing my way through rotten apples. I walked back; I saw it wasn’t an apple tree at all. Some squirrel must have hauled the apple up the tree, found a comfortable spot and started to eat just as I came by and startled it. Poor bugger dropped his supper.

I wonder what a squirrel says or does when he drops an apple that he has hauled up the tree. I’m guessing he would say something like “Awwww NUTS!!!” Perhaps he would say “Wouldn’t that just frost your nuts?” There would be the old stand by, “Fucking apple!” They aren’t that much different than you or I if we had just dropped our lunch from a ten story balcony. I remember dropping a near full beer from a balcony once. I watched it fall as if in slow motion until there was a foamy smash. It was pretty cool, but it wasn’t an apple, I wasn’t a squirrel and I was pretty drunk.

You ever wonder what other animals would say to you if they could talk. How about a horse when you tell the girl you are dating that “Of curse I have ridden a horse before!” The minute I walked up to that horse, he looked me in the eye and I could sense him saying “HORSE SHIT!” Maybe he thought that I had road apples for brains, I sure did by the end of the day. I did learn that you can’t fake anything that takes some skill.

The animal kingdom for the most part has a pretty rough time of it, being so far down the food chain. I often wondered what a chicken thinks when after leaving the nest for just a few minutes returns and finds her eggs gone. They may not dwell too long on it, but it has to be just a little confusing. Eventually they must figure out that the nice lady that feeds them is actually a chicknapper. BITCH! Even with a very small brain, the chicken vows that the next time she sees the farmer’s wife she’ll tell her to go “Cluck” herself.

I know that when I am walking with Buster he will sometime pick up a smell and you can tell he is thinking “What’s this shit? Whoever dropped this one isn’t eating a very well balanced diet.” Every now and then, Buster will pick up a mouldy bun with some greenish meat and you can tell he thinks he has just scored big time. Then I make him drop the bun. He looks at me like I’d look at a giant that took my next meal away from me. I’d want to tear out his throat but reality and good sense dictates discretion.

Perhaps he gets even in a different way. Maybe he spared a squirrel and talked it into dropping an apple on my head when I was walking back from the grocery store. I kind of wish I could speak and understand squirrel because I am pretty sure I would have heard “SHIT! I missed. Sorry Buster.”



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