Tuesday, 5 December 2017

Hide a Body

I have mentioned before that either I don’t dream often or I don’t remember the dreams that I have. Mostly…

The other morning I woke and remembered a somewhat odd dream. I was with two guys who were good friends, I didn’t know them, but I knew they were good friends. One of them had a problem; he had a body that he needed to get rid of. I like to think of myself as the kind of guy you can rely on to help move a body, not kill someone, that would be wrong but I am and would be more than happy to help my friends get rid of their problems.

That is how I would like to think of myself, but I prefer that the authorities don’t think of me when they find an unexplained body. So, in the dream I helped roll the body in a carpet and we tossed it into the back of a pickup truck. Surprisingly, even in a dream a body isn’t easy to toss into the back of a truck. It is dead weight after all. We got in the cab and drove for about a half hour over bumpy roads. I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the body in the back getting bounced around. Insult to injury.

We pulled into a large gravel pit, the idea being that we would drop the body down one of the large and hopefully bottomless holes that were found in dream gravel pits. The guy who was driving said that just across the road there was a great bar that served cheap beer and for some reason there were a lot of women that would go there to dance. The other guy said he could use a drink and they started to walk off leaving the truck in the middle of the gravel pit. I called out to the guys in a shouted whisper that we should get rid of the body first. He looked at me like I was nuts and told me in his best kindergarten teacher voice “That guy isn’t going anywhere…he’s dead!” They left for the bar.

It was at this point that I began to think maybe I should just walk home. No, if I am seen by anyone walking away from where a dead body is sure to be found, someone will remember a lone guy on the road. The trouble is I couldn’t go overland because I didn’t pay attention to which direction we came from. Shit!

I thought about stealing a car from the bar parking lot, but I don’t know how to steal a car and didn’t think that I had the time to Youtube learn how. Well, there was only one thing I could do and that is just what I did. I woke up.

Monday, 13 November 2017

We Stink Part II

I kind of got side tracked in yesterday’s blog. I had been thinking about deodorant for a while and what I had planned to say somehow didn’t get included.

The modern deodorants are antiperspirants which attempt to halt perspiring. I’m guessing that is the intention going by the name. I don’t know if that is even possible as perspiring is a way we humans have of cooling down. I guess if you lived in a perfectly climate controlled environment, did not over exert yourself, didn’t get the meat sweats at Thanksgiving and Christmas and somehow managed to kill any sex drive an antiperspirant would work.

I have heard of deodorant pads and deodorants that would work for multiple days, but I have my doubts. If those things do work, I wouldn’t know about them because my nose wouldn’t be able to detect them in a crowd. Maybe there are sweet smelling people walking among us…maybe.

I have been using a wax based deodorant for close to fifty years. I did experiment with CFCs in the seventies, but I personally put the planet ahead of smelling sweet. Anyways, the wax based deodorant promises to stop odours from perspiration. The only way to accomplish that would be to totally seal the sweat glands under my arms. That is where the wax comes in I suppose. Mind you, if the wax does in fact seal the sweat glands and not allow sweat to pass then wouldn’t it stop moisture going the other way?

The way I figure it, I haven’t really been able to clean my armpits for at least fifty years. They must be pretty grooty by now. I could use turpentine to remove the wax but that would be pretty painful. Maybe I could use a paint scraper and a heat gun. Again, pretty painful. Besides, if I did manage to remove the wax build up the smell would most likely kill me. I have a large nose.

No, I will keep going the way I have for most of my life and let future archaeologists try to figure out why the people from the nineteenth, twentieth and twenty first centuries have wax covered armpits that don’t decay and smell like Ocean surf.