Saturday 11 July 2015

Brownish Water

We looked after our granddog last weekend while the family was away camping in the Kananaskis, testing out their new camper. By all accounts the camper performed admirably and the weekend was a success. Yea!

Lola (the granddog) doesn’t really do too much other than drool a little, fart a little and sleep a lot. She is getting up their in years and that is as it should be. Pretty much the same thing can be said about me, but it is very rare for anyone to rub my tummy and tell me what a good boy I am. Life just isn’t fair sometimes.

I took Buster for a morning walk and when we got back I figured that I should take Lola for a walk as well. She isn’t as spry as Buster, but I figured a shortened route would be fine and good for her. When I take Buster, I just need a couple of small bread or plastic bags from the produce section of the super market. Well, I take two but one is just for backup…in case. Lola is a bigger dog and presumably she leaves larger piles during her walks, so my pockets were filled with plastic grocery bags that didn’t have any holes or tears. I checked. This is a time when reusable bags are NOT better than plastic.

We set out on our walk and Lola seemed to enjoy all of the new, strange smells of our neighbourhood. She seemed so interested that I was beginning to think I wouldn’t need any bags at all. Yeah, I thought that thought just a little too soon. Lola dropped a load which was probably triple the amount that Buster generates in a week of binge eating. No problem, I am prepared for a sizable amount and if I could only figure out a comfortable way to carry it without it banging against my thigh I will be okay. Well, I was okay for about 100 feet when Lola emptied her lower intestine once again.

You would think that the second time there would be less to process and consequently less for me to pick up. You would think…Sadly, it was at least comparable to the first go around, filling the grocery bag about 1/3 full. That is a lot and was twice as difficult to carry without it banging against parts of my body. I had visions of the bag breaking just as it smacked against my leg. I did have two bags, and I was thinking that this is definitely a time where double bagging would be in order. I was mulling over the process I would have to use inserting a 1/3 full plastic bag of dog shit into another while the wind was blowing when Lola did a game changer.

This dog doesn’t eat that much food! I don’t eat that much food! My whole family doesn’t eat that much food! The interesting thing is that Lola did the deed while she was walking, just like a horse. I’m used to dogs assuming the position with a waddle and leg quivering to let me know what is coming. How much have I missed while I was day dreaming of a dog that could use a toilet? Well, that solved the how to put a full bag into an empty bag problem because I needed to use bag two to pick up the third number two. Now I have two bags of warm dog shit slapping against my thigh. Have you ever had to carry seven or eight pounds of shit while praying to whatever God you worship that the dog won’t shit again?

Just in case you are wondering, I made it home without incident but promised myself that in the future Lola can do her business in the back yard and her family can look after exercise from now on.

Well, it is a week later and we had Hurricane and Tornado over last night and today, but because it is so hot in their house, Arwen brought Lola over to keep cool in the air conditioning. Bulldogs don’t like the heat very much. Sometime after the lights went out last night, Lola had to go to the bathroom. Since no one was awake but Lola, she walked into the kitchen and did two grocery bags of number two on the floor.

When I woke up in the morning and went to get breakfast for Hurricane I saw what Lola did last night. It turns out that the heat causes bulldogs to have diarrhea. Did you know that? Did you? I didn’t, but I sure do now. You think you’re cranky without your coffee in the morning, try being without coffee and on your knees with a sponge, bucket of brownish water and paper towels.

Sometimes it just pays to stay in bed and let your wife get up first.

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