Sunday 12 August 2012

Get Rid of the Alligators

There were a few things that occurred today that made me think of how many design flaws there are in the human body. I’m not saying that I could have done a better job, especially starting from scratch and under some pretty unrealistic time constraints. Then again, I am not all powerful, omniscient and omnipotent and I freely admit I make mistakes, unlike He who won’t be mentioned.

Like I said, six days to create a whole universe and populate it with all of the birds in the sky, the animals on land and all of the creepy crawly things underground seems to be overestimating even a Gods considerable talents. I can see wanting to get the job done quickly so that you can get on to more pressing things. Come to think of it though, what could there possibly be that was more important than the universe? Was Mrs. G nagging Him to get the universe done and stop watching sports and/or drinking with the buddies? I don’t know anything about that, but I would imagine that in the eons that have passed since the creation there must have been a chance to review and perhaps to improve.

I don’t want to get into all of the weird and totally fucked up animals that are out there other than to say who needs alligators? I guess they make good shoes and handbags but that is pretty much it. No, I believe that the all powerful, could have looked at the design of the human animal and made a few positive changes. I was working on a deck this afternoon and I could have used a third arm and hand more than once. If I were changing the design, I would put a tiny eyeball somewhere on the fingers so that you could see in those hard to get to areas. It would have been nice to have magnetic fingers so that the nails would stay in place while you drove the nail in with the hammer. While I am at it, maybe make the fingers either rubbery with no nerve endings or just make the damned things out of steel.

You know how there are shut off valves on the pipes under the sink in case of a leak? Why not put some kind of a shut off valve so that when you drop the toolbox on your hand the blood wouldn’t just keep pouring out of you? It would be handy for donating blood too. Perhaps shut off valves for the eyes so that I can still seem manly when watching “Rudy” or “Armageddon”.

How about sweat glands that would sweat fat instead of …sweat? I would put taste buds on at least one finger so that you wouldn’t have to lift your hand to your mouth when sneaking a taste of the wedding cake. That could backfire when you were going to the bathroom. Maybe just forget about the finger taste buds.

You know what I could really use? Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to put in a little more RAM in your brain? Also, I could do with a boost in memory since I was born with 32 K and I now live in a world that demands several Terabytes.

Replaceable parts would be really handy. Some of the ones that I was issued with are pretty much worn out and there are some parts I would like to exchange for a large. This shouldn’t be too difficult for God. I bet He could do it in less than two days. That is an official challenge.

Don’t forget the extra memory, and get rid of the alligators!

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