Saturday 25 August 2012

A Box of Dilly Bars

Quite a few years ago now, while I was still working as a letter carrier, I had a rather odd encounter. It was a hot summer day and I was delivering my mail in a rather run down townhouse complex. I didn’t like to work in the run down areas very much. The mail was light, mostly “Final Notice” letters, credit card statements and a lot of envelopes from collection agencies. I felt bad for the kids, the adults found their way into this kind of life, but the kids were starting life with two strikes against them. They were all nice kids and at the time my kids were roughly the same age and it was a case of “There but for the grace of God…”

This was the same complex that a year before I saw a quarter on the sidewalk, and when I tried to pick it up it wouldn’t come. When I heard the laughter I realized that it was probably crazy glued to the pavement. Luckily, I had a government check for a unit about five away from this one and I held up the check and stuffed it back in my bag. Let them think that their little trick caused them to not get the welfare check. Laugh at me…bastards!

I had a registered letter for this one unit and when I went up and rang the bell I saw two young men just in shorts sitting on a ratty old couch watching TV through the screen door. The thing that seemed a little weird is that both of them had large parrots sitting on their shoulders. That isn’t something that I see a lot of, so when the one guy came to the door I said “Cool! Just like a pirate!”

He looked at me and said “What do you mean?”

Could this guy be that thick? “You know, you have a parrot on your shoulder.” I figured that things took a while to get through the drugged up haze.

“Yeah, so what?”

Well, although I wasn’t doing anything of any great consequence, I knew that talking to this half moron any longer would just be a waste of time. “Here! Sign this sheet and you can get back to the TV.” He signed and as I walked away I realized that I should have been talking to the parrot.

Louise sent me to pick up a desert at the DQ yesterday and when I pulled into the parking lot, I saw a guy waiting by his car with a tiny dog on the roof. Getting out of the car I saw that he had two more of the same kind of dog inside the car and a parrot sitting on his shoulder. I was pretty cool, not making eye contact and giving off the air of someone that sees guys with parrots on their shoulders all of the time, it was just two decades ago that I saw two guys with parrots on their shoulders. I went inside and bought the treat, but when I came out I lost the cool and asked if I could take his picture. He said sure and took a pose that I am positive he has done many, many times before.

I got to talking to him and found out some interesting facts about Parrots. If you feed them apricots they will lose their feathers. That’s a tough lesson to learn I bet. Some birds can lose their feathers due to diet, self plucking, allergies, loneliness and depression. Yes, that is what he said…depression. This parrot doesn’t have to worry about loneliness because this guy said he had eight parrots. Eight parrots!!!

They will die if you feed them chocolate, and I will die if you don’t feed me chocolate. Parrots can live to be eighty or ninety years old. That’s one hell of a long life span! It is also a pretty major pet commitment. You are taking on the pet for possibly three generations of your family, and I had trouble getting my kids to walk the dog. The commitment is like getting a tattoo that shits on your shoulder and keeps asking you for crackers.

I said thanks for the picture, all of the information and wished him well. He had eight parrots, three dogs and probably an apartment covered in bird shit, while I had a box of Dilly bars just waiting for me to eat one of them. 


  1. What is a dilly bar?

  2. A Dilly bar is basically a round of ice cream on a stick covered with chocolate. Nothing special, but if you like ice cream and chocolate then this could be for you. There should be a picture of one in the treats section.