Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Mosquito Heads On Tiny Little Spikes


I am doing a little home reno, and on one of my many breaks I came out to see what Louise was up to. She looked at me and said “Oh my God! What did you do to your arm?”

I looked at my arm and saw that there was a line of blood dripping down it in a kind of cool looking lightning bolt pattern. If I were to get a tattoo, it would be cool to have one that looked like you had just been stabbed. I told her that I had no idea what I did, but went to wash the blood off. How is it that I didn’t even feel this cut, but when I get a mosquito bite or a paper cut I feel the need to call 911? I am beginning to think that I am something of a whiner. I don’t want anyone to worry, but I should be all right. It wouldn’t be out of line to ask everyone to go and donate a pint or two of blood just in case. I take Type O negative if you don’t mind.

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We have a few mosquitos in the house which just drives me nuts. I no longer have the proper hand to eye coordination to smash to little beggars. That is an aspect of getting older that I had never considered. I thought that I could continue to kill the little blood suckers until the day I died. Kind of like a poor man’s Van Helsing. I have taken my share of them over the years, but it didn’t even make a dent in their numbers.

NEWS FLASH!!!!!
 I guess I’m not over the hill quite yet. There is one less mosquito in the world tonight, and you have me to thank for it.

I can remember as a kid in my grandmother’s cottage trying to get to sleep while avoiding the damned mosquitos. They would buzzzz in your ear just when you thought that they were attacking your brother tonight. You could hide under the blankets, but it was summer in southern Ontario and there is no way I was going to be covered in that heat. I didn’t know what it was that attracted them; I thought that perhaps it was ear wax. Now that I am older and have access to the internet, it turns out that pretty much everything attracts them, things like CO2, lactic acid, body heat, moisture, movement, colour and sound and probably other things that I didn’t bother to read about. WTF?

When I am outside, I just slather on the Deet and although I stink of Deet, not a mosquito bothers me. I suppose the stuff is carcinogenic or will make your penis shrivel and drop off, but in my mind it is worth the sacrifice. I had an uncle that worked in the woods and was never bothered by them. He was an uncle by marriage, so there was no way I could have inherited those desirable genes. I liked Uncle Bill, but I could never watch him work for very long which was horrible because he used chain saws, bull dozers and tractors when he worked. Those are all the things little kids love to watch.

I have this hatred for mosquitos and I didn’t think it could get any stronger. I was wrong. It turns out that Hurricane and Tornado are allergic to mosquito bites and will really react badly. Poor little guys! I think there is only one thing to do. Declare war! This is a formal declaration of war between me and Culiseta longiareolata. Don’t be surprised if when you come to my house you see hundreds of mosquito heads on tiny little spikes. 

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