Monday 5 September 2011

He Is Watching!

I’ve mentioned before that I am something less than a dedicated gardener, but even I know that plants need water from time to time, sunshine and for some reason that only God knows, insects.

They don’t list bugs on the seed package, but judging from the number and variety all over the garden, they must be important. I know that bees are useful in pollination and if I can dredge up some information from grade three science classes, they either swallow the pollen and then spit it out, or they swallow the pollen and then crap it out. I love honey, so I prefer not to think about which end of the bee it comes out of and instead just think of the cute little plastic bear container I buy at the store.
Butterfly’s do something. The big thing they do, they do for themselves. They turn from a worm into a butterfly. That is no mean feat, but we all grow up. I am sure they have a function in the grand scheme of things, but let’s just hope that they don’t crap out butter.

Today I decided that the tomato plants needed water. They have actually produced four cherry tomatoes and that is four more than they gave me last year. I have a rain bucket, but it is much easier to use the hose. Yes, I do realize that I am directly responsible for killing the planet one drop at a time. So, after I had finished watering I just left the hose lying on the ground and went about my busy life.

I dropped Louise off downtown where she had volunteered to work at the Labour Day celebration at city hall. I went and picked up some paint and had a coffee at McD’s and read my book. I came home and started to prep my paint project. Of course I had just gotten in to it when Louise called to be picked up. Down tools and change, drive to McHugh Bluff and do the stairs a couple of times while Louise walked to meet me. We picked up some stuff at the store and came home. Pretty exciting day, eh?

When I got home I had lost the urge to paint so I sat out in the yard and contemplated life and my place in it. Okay, I was staring at nothing and thinking of even less. Eventually my eyes focused on the hose that had been left out earlier. It is a light green, so it stands out from the darker green of the lawn. Being a light green, I couldn’t help but notice a black dot racing along the hose. I looked closer and saw that it was an ant carrying some tiny bit of food back to it’s anthill I would suppose. I thought that ants left some kind of pheromone when they found food so that all of the other ants would be able to follow the trail. That was grade three science classes, so I am a little foggy on the details.

I started to wonder about this particular ant. I will call him Norman. Instead of struggling up and over or around the individual blades of grass, he found a super highway. He must have crapped his pants! I can imagine when he got back to the hill, he would jump on the ant equivalent of a soap box and when he had everyone’s attention he would announce that the “God of the yard gave us a road to make our lives easier.”

“Don't, you remember the Holy cookie? Who can forget the gift of water melon rind from heaven?” He would have said.

There would be murmurs from the crowd and one old timer would say, “I remember when it rained boiling water and wiped out most of the hill. Never forget the white powder of death that falls like rain from the sky.”

Norman being a very religious ant would keep at it until the majority of ants wanted to see this miracle that would make their lives so much easier and followed the pheromone out of the hill, to where the hose was. I say was, because while Norman was in the hill convincing his brethren about the “Hose of God”, God coiled it up and put it on it’s  holder. The trail ended and there was no Holy Hose, just a slightly cooler section of concrete. The rest of the ants drove Norman away in anger, and when he could still faintly hear the other ants cursing his name, he turned back for one last look and saw the foot of God crush the non believers.

Norman spent the rest of his short life preaching to other ant hills about the might and power of God and to beware His wrath!

He is watching!


  1. lets see ...4 car trips to do what the litle woman could of done with a wee walk and 2Lrt rides. hmmm f the enviroment and use up as much fossil fuel as possible before we kick the bucket.come on burn some calories

  2. hey anonymous---are you sure you know Ken???