Tuesday 20 September 2011

A Clean-ish Bill Of Health

I guess like every living thing I am getting older. I have always pictured myself at my present age, well, a little thinner, less grey and with fewer wrinkles. I suppose that my basic personality is that of a man in middle age. That is assuming that I will live to 118. Could happen.

I heard on the radio today that Delores Hope passed away at 102 while I was on my way to see an internist. To see someone live to such a ripe old age gives me hope that I might somehow give the rest of my life some meaning, instead of it being a total loss. Yeah, yeah, yeah...it’s been a full rich life! So, back to the internist, I have had a history of some pretty stupid incidents and my doctor and Louise would like to know what the hell is going on. I can understand Louise’s concern, because she is the one that has to deal with me, but I think my doctor is just being nosy.

In order to stem the flow of tears, everything is if not normal, then, it is acceptable. I have had some tests set up that will make me look like a marionette that has had unspeakable things done to it. This is exactly the sort of shit I would prescribe to someone just for fun. I had hoped that this guy would be more professional. I am going for these test because once you get to be my age it is just good preventative maintenance. Shit, I can’t remember the last time I checked the levels and changed the fluids. Better to be safe than sorry I suppose, but really, I feel just fine doc!

So, two of the best minds in internal medicine reviewed my case and asked me countless questions about my past twenty five years on the planet. They listened to my heart and lungs, took the old blood pressure, listened to my heart and lungs while I was standing and took my blood pressure while I was vertical. They asked the same questions again in a different way, all the while nodding sagely. The head internist then proceeded to draw cartoons and graphs to explain things to me. He must think I am stupid. To be fair though, probably everyone is dumber than this guy. So, I got the cartoons and graphs and he spoke using monosyllabic words very slowly. I am sure if he thought that poking my chest with his finger would have helped to get the information through to me, he would have done that too.

The upshot is that in the middle of the night when the need to pee is upon me, I should sit on the edge of the bed and stretch my arms and legs, and come fully awake before I go to the bathroom. Once there, I should sit down to pee. Really! No, really! You know, when the urge to pee wakes me up in the middle of the night, I have to pee...NOW! Not in five minutes when I am fully awake. Besides, I kind of want to get back to sleep. The sitting down part kind of makes sense to me, if only because I have to clean the bathroom. Oh yeah, don’t drink so much before bed. Well, that is the result of perhaps twenty-five years of combined medical education. Sometimes good sense is good sense.

Basically a clean-ish bill of health.


  1. Oh christ does that mean we will have to endure another 59 years of this blog? B

  2. I prefer the word "Suffer" to "endure", but I wouldn't worry too much. If I keep bothering Louise I will be lucky to make it another year.

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