Saturday 14 May 2011

Hairy, Fat, Myopic Animals

I just did a science experiment!

Unwittingly I will admit, but that doesn’t alter the fact that I learned something all on my own. I was trying to get the residual honey out of the plastic jar by melting it with hot water. I poured the water out and put the lid on tightly, and as the hot air inside cooled, the container collapsed. Talk about a EUREKA moment!

That’s right, I have figured out instant weight loss! I’ll admit there are a few hurdles to overcome. It could be a problem getting people to willingly drink boiling water and then sealing said person up tightly. People tend to have all sorts of leaks. More leaks as they get older. Their natural seals seem to break down. I guess we will call this the testing phase. I am in need of volunteers, just let me know by leaving a comment if you are interested.

This promised to be a very busy day, at least until about nine-ish. We have Buster scheduled for his spring haircut and Louise and I are planning to save six lives between us by donating blood. When we dropped Buster off we had about 45 minutes to kill until the blood letting.

Not enough time to go for breakfast and why buy coffee when a freebie is on the horizon. What the heck, we just went to Blood Services. They never turn anyone away.

Louise and I have a friendly competition about who is the faster bleeder. In normal circumstances this isn’t something to be proud of or at all desirable. In a bar, just after a knife fight or if you slipped with the carving knife it is a bad thing, but in this particular place it is a good thing. Everything in this life hinges on who, what, where, when and why. I went through the embarrassing questions and didn’t even get angry when they asked if I had recently been with a monkey. Now, I know I am not the most handsome man, but given enough time and money I am sure that I could get a date within my own species. Now, as it turns out the sadistic bitch that used me as a pin cushion was somewhat faster than the person handling Louise’s withdrawal. I was faster in total time, but Louise probably beat my time to bleed out. Big Deal! It’s not a contest! I had a coffee and a fantastic cupcake while I was recovering, which gave me enough strength to get to the restaurant for breakfast.

We had just finished breakfast when we were called and told that Buster was ready. Perfect timing! Yes, he is beautiful!

Hey, that just made me think about something that hadn't occured to me before. Where do vets get the blood when they do animal operations? Is there an animal blood donor clinic that I know nothing about? How would the animals get to the clinic and how would they fill out the forms? Where would they keep their donor cards? Hey, wait a minute! Is that why they ask about me and monkeys? You know, no one has ever said that my blood is being used for humans. All of a sudden I’m feeling less than heroic. Maybe there are a slew of animals out there that are overweight with bad eyes and a beard.

Well, maybe tomorrow will turn out better. I’m going to bed…


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