Thursday 15 August 2013


Well, for those that read on a regular basis, I had my decennial physical today. It reaffirmed a couple of things for me. The only person that should see me naked is the guy in the mirror, and if we can avoid each other, it would be for the best. I am also going to make a point of never getting sent to prison, because there is no one that I like that much. Even the guy in the mirror!


It’s official!

I am an old guy. I don’t know how it happened, it just sort of snuck up behind me and before I knew it I was acting like an old guy. I was at the doctors today and it seems that I am no longer 5’ 10”, I am now 5’ 9”. That must be why my belt is a little tighter lately, I am being squashed by gravity. How the hell can I be shrinking? Perhaps I am retaining less water in my bones, or maybe it’s just that sixty years of the bones rubbing against each other have worn them down like my teeth.

I could always tell old people in the past when they walked by me, well, old men anyways. Their shoes always look new. They are never dirty and never worn out. The running shoes are a pristine white that almost hurt the eyes when you look at them, and dress shoes are shinny with little or no wear on the soles. It’s hard to wear out your shoes when you spend most of your time in slippers. I’m not quite there, but my runners are pretty white, I have a new pair of light hikers and my dress shoes have a nice shine. Well, under the layer of dust they are shinny. There is wear, so I’m not totally gone yet.

I was driving today and got behind two cars travelling right beside each other, talking! It didn’t matter that they were doing the limit; they were boneheads and deserved my wrath. What a couple of assholes. The thing is that I was just going to have coffee by myself and there was no real rush. I was well ahead of the cops break time and it is unheard of that the coffee shop would run out of coffee. When I finally got past the boneheads, the light went red. I don’t mind stopping at red lights, but this particular light was exceedingly long and there were no oncoming cars at all. I could have just gone through, and no one would have been the wiser. I didn’t, but I should have! Oh, I also drive more often than not with a sore neck which prevents any kind of shoulder checking.

Another sure sign that I am getting old is that there is an election coming up and I was thinking of applying to be a scrutineer. It would be one day of work (and pay); you would meet all sorts of people and feel that you were a part of the process. I think they like old guys because the grey hair has connotations of being trust worthy and thoughtful. Ha! I am not so old that it is a done deal, but I am thinking about it. The only problem is that one guy I talked to said he wasn’t allowed to get a bathroom break for the whole day. I could never get through a whole day. Maybe they only want people wearing a catheter. That would smell nice by the end of the day. Well, I’m not that old and don’t plan to be for another 15 to 25 years.

My skin is getting that old parchment look and I can fart while I’m walking, thinking nothing of it. I just make sure that I walk a little faster so that someone else gets the blame. Maybe I’m not as old as I think yet. There’s still a little colour on the top of my head…silver.

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