Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Shit On By a Squirrel



Louise shared a facebook page with me and about a thousand of her closest friends the other day that stated there were 923 words that break the “i” before “e” rule that we all learned in school and only 44 words that follow the rule (English language). Like Louise said, I knew those teachers were lying to us, I wonder what else we should suspect.

I was out walking Buster this afternoon and thinking about the “i” before “e” thing and it got me to wondering what else I believe in that seems a little dodgy. Buster and I must have startled a bunch or flock of little birds, because they all took off just ahead of us. If they had stayed in the hedge there is no way we could have gotten them. To tell the truth, there is no way that we could have gotten them even if we had wanted to and neither of us really wanted to.

One thing led to another and I started to wonder about how true the old adage “If a bird shits on you, then it is good luck” might be. I have had birds shit on me in the past, more times than I like to admit. Every time it happened, I consoled myself with the fact that at least I will be the beneficiary of good fortune. Maybe I was fortunate, but it wasn’t what I would call a fast acting good fortune. Perhaps it spread itself over the years filling in the dips and crevasses of my life and made everything smooth sailing. Maybe…
The truth is I had bird shit on me and every time it happened there were people around to see it and have a laugh at my expense. I wonder why bird shit is the luckiest of all the shits in the world.
 
Perhaps it’s because having a bird hit you while in flight is a one in a million happening. Maybe in the desert or high in the mountains it’s rare, but I imagine in an equatorial forest, any of the millions of miles of beaches in the world or any big cities dump, it would be far more common.

When I was walking Buster I started to think of other animals whose shit might be luckier than a birds shit simply because it wouldn’t be so damned common. Hell, even dog shit would be less common. Not stepping in it of course, but to have some dogs shit drop on you would have to be lucky. Well, maybe not.

We have a lot of big trees around our house and in all the years I have lived here, not once did I have a squirrel turd drop on me from above. There are a lot of squirrels around this world and I can’t say that I have ever heard of someone, anyone get shit on by a squirrel. I suspect that people who do deep sea diving get shit on by fish and they probably don’t consider it lucky. Whale shit (ambergris) is pretty lucky if you find it, and for the price of it on the open market, that would be incredibly lucky shit.
You know what would be really lucky? Getting in the middle of a monkey shit fight at the zoo and being covered in simian feces. How many people can say they were the recipient of several tiny handfuls of monkey crap? Talk about good luck! Maybe people that work at zoos or live in jungles, but monkeys are pretty rare in these parts.

I’m pretty sure that people shit isn’t lucky. I’ve had my share of grand kid shit on me and truth be told I didn’t feel lucky about it at all. I’ve gotten shit from my lovely wife and that really didn’t make me feel fortunate. When I was working, I had to eat a lot of shit from a lot of assholes, and keep a smile on my face, but it wasn’t real shit. It would be real lucky if Santa dropped one on you for Christmas Eve, but he wouldn’t do such a thing. He might take a dump in your chimney though. I have heard of large lumps of frozen crap dropping from airplanes, but I don’t recall it actually hitting a person. It has hit a house and put a sizeable hole in the roof. That can’t be lucky! 
I guess we should stick to the “lucky” bird shit and count our blessings. We should be thankful that these descendants of the dinosaurs are as small as they are. 

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