Tweezers

We live in a dangerous world!


Every day in the papers you can read about some terrorist group or another that wants to destroy the Great Satan’s power and influence in the world. I imagine that once the terrorists take over, there will be some faction that will call them the Great Satan. On and on it goes. We do have to be ever vigilant and protect our way of life from attack. I understand this.


I will tell you what I don’t understand, is how a guy flying to visit his family and friends in far off Ontario (me) could be mistaken for one of these fanatics that wish to bring down our civilization. How was he going to accomplish this you might ask? It seems that the security people at the airport felt that I could accomplish this with a pair of tin tweezers. I suppose that I could threaten to pluck out the pilots nose hairs unless he crashed the plane into a tall building. I could hold it in the air marshals back and tell him it is a gun and he had better do what I say. What a crock! Yes, there are things that are dangerous, but not my pair of tweezers, they never hurt anyone. I still miss them and it has been five or ten years at least. Louise says that I should forget the damned tweezers and grow a pair. How could I grow a pair of tweezers? Crazy woman!


I’ve often wondered what happened to those tweezers, hoping that they were taken to a farm where they could live out their days hanging out with other quasi dangerous implements taking out the odd splinter from a farmer’s hand every now and then. I discovered today that they didn’t go to a farm, they went on sale at the airport.


It seems that on the first Tuesday of every month, the airport chapel has a sale of these confiscated items and the proceeds literally go with God. Well, they go to help God’s messenger at the airport. I didn’t know there was a chapel at the airport, but considering the potential terrorist threat, it kind of makes sense. I went to the sale today and I didn’t see my tweezers. It had been five or ten years and they were a pretty good pair of tweezers, so I imagine someone snatched them up pretty quickly. Perhaps a farmer bought them who was in the habit of rescuing sharp personal grooming items from the airport. Maybe not though. I did manage to pick up a couple of pocketknives and a corkscrew. I will go back next month and who knows…there might be some tweezers there.


You would be amazed at the things that were there. I saw snowglobes, kitchen knives, hunting knives, a big ass drill, blenders, suitcases, strollers and an assortment of small hand tools. What were these people thinking? I stood there looking at the thousands of items and knew that every single one of them represented someone that was mighty pissed off with the security people at YYC. With that in mind, the sale is the kind of thing that should be run by a man of the cloth. They are used to driving out evil thoughts and have the protection of god Himself.


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Tonight while watching TV there was a bang at the window. Buster freaked out and I don’t mind saying that I nearly crapped myself. I looked out and saw a small bird on the ground. I thought that he was dead at first, but as I watched, he gave a little shiver and then shook his head back and forth. He stood up! He was going to be all right! Just then, a larger bird landed on the ground about a foot from this little bird, what are the chances? The little bird knew what was what and took off just as the big bird leapt to where it was a fraction of a second earlier. It flew after the little bird and caught up with it at the end of the hedge.


Later on, while cutting the lawn I saw a handful of grey feathers on the grass and part of a wing. I guess the big bird wasn’t a wingman. Fucking Magpies!