Rolling in the Aisle Laughing

I was going through the bookshelf today, trying to avoid the massive cleaning that the basement needs when I came across a pamphlet that I got when I took a course at the Post Office. It was the “Dog Bite Prevention Program” and it would have had to be given about twenty years ago.

 

I know that the mailman getting chased and bitten by dogs seems pretty funny to the general public, but it is a real and ever present danger. I was bitten several times over the years and of course I knew many that had been bitten worse than me. A buddy of mine was attacked while delivering by a German Sheppard and spent some quality time rolling along the sidewalk and trying to keep its teeth from ripping his face off. It was a pretty funny story and Brian told it so well. It might have been a Doberman or a pit-bull, I just can’t remember. I bet Brian does though. Early on in my career, I was attacked crossing the street on a windy day by two Dobermans. I held them off using my dog spray, but they were smart and stood just out of range. I went through one can and was well into the next, and thinking of my last stand. I was pretty sure that unlike Custer no one would make a movie or write a book, unless it was written in dog, for dogs. Just at the last moment, a pick up truck came by and the guy said “Hop on!” which I did of course and he drove off with the dogs chasing and me using the last of the spray.

I wanted to kiss this guy because he had just saved my life, but we settled for a handshake and I told him that if he ever needed anything from a postie, then I was his guy. I was pretty safe saying that, no one wants anything from the postman.

I remember the woman that taught this course, she was an attractive young thing that had good intentions. She really didn’t know anything about delivering mail or dogs, and I am pretty sure that she spent the last few months inside giving this course. We all went to the course because it was time off of work and they gave free coffee and donuts. She told us that 90% of the dog bites were from “fear biters” and you were to stare them down and firmly tell them “NO”.

The other 10% of bites were from “Brave biters” and the suggested method of dealing with them was to avoid eye contact and allow them to sniff your shoes, pants or crotch. “I’m sorry, what the fuck did she say?” Let a dog get close enough to sniff my crotch? Yeah, I don’t think so! We all had a good laugh and the poor woman went all red and ended the course early that day.

I heard about her a few weeks later. It seems that she had been savaged by a German Sheppard and needed about 150 stitches to her thighs and legs. God that must have been painful! It was months before she came back to work, and then only on work indoors. I guess she was a little gun shy, and who can blame her. I ran into her about a half a year later and asked her how she was doing. We traded pleasantries for a while and when the conversation was pretty much finished I asked her one last question. “Keeping in mind the Dog Prevention Course, do you think that the dog that attacked you just didn’t like the smell of your crotch?”

She said some very unlady like things to me and left me and the guys rolling in the aisle laughing.