Saturday, 3 March 2012

I’m Getting Wild Tonight

What is it about James Bond films that I find so appealing?

Could it be that no matter how many fights he has; or how far down a mountain he tumbles; or even chasing down a submarine or space craft, he is always impeccably dressed.

Maybe it’s that he is irresistible to women of all ages and nationalities. I guess it helps that he just hangs out in places with stunningly beautiful, half naked women with very sexually suggestive names. Names like Honey Ryder, Pussy Galore, Mary Goodnight, Octopussy, Holly Goodhead, Plenty O’Toole and Zenia Onatopp to name a few of the better ones. I guess the really sad thing is that I didn’t have to look up any of those names. I suppose the trouble with being a Bond girl is that there is no chance you will make it to the next movie, or your life expectancy can be measured in hours or at the most days. Some women find it a golden opportunity.

James seems like a nice enough guy, but he just can’t seem to keep out of trouble. I just watched him single-handedly fight off hundreds of bad guys at a Russian weapons bazaar. In the process, he destroyed all of the weapons and most of the henchmen while stealing a Russian plane loaded with nuclear warheads. Of course he was chased and the guy riding bitch tried to choke him, so while he was fighting this guy off and out flying his pursuer (with his knees) he managed to eject the guy choking him into the bottom of the other plane which of course caused it to crash. I’m not sure I could do all of that at the same time and end up making some clever quip about not liking back seat drivers.

Of course I love all of the gizmos that he gets to play with. Who wouldn’t want a car that could shoot missiles, flames and oil? His watch shoots a laser beam that can cut through a safe in minutes. Who wouldn’t want that? His pens would blow up if you clicked it three times. I don’t think that would be good for me, because I doubt I would be able to keep track of the clicks. He even had a magnetic watch that pulled down the zipper on a ladies dress. I am pretty sure that would get me either a black eye or arrested. Besides, zippers are almost all plastic now.

There have been 26 Bond films but Ian Fleming only wrote 14 Bond novels. Curious. Ian Fleming intended Bond to be a regular guy that things just happened to and he would bulldoze his way through. He picked the name James Bond for his character because it was the most boring name he could think of. Fleming was in fact the brains behind many of the secret operations of the WWII. He really is a fascinating character. I did read his biography many years ago, but I think it deserves another read.

When I was small, I would wake up with bruised body, arms and legs. I was convinced that I would fall asleep as Kenny H. and wake up minutes later as some kind of crime fighter that would spend the hours of darkness fighting for justice. I didn’t clue in to the fact that where I lived was known as “Toronto the Good” so in all probability there wasn’t a whole lot of real crime anyways. Just some diminutive caped crusader that went around at night picking fights with the honest and upstanding citizens.

Well, there will be no crime fighting tonight, I have a cold and I am going to watch a Bond flick and relax with a neo-citron and perhaps some popcorn. The wife’s away in Vancouver so I’m getting wild tonight.

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