Thursday 13 October 2011

Not My Finest Day

I am going to tell a lie later on today.
There are three ways to tell a lie. The first is to tell an untruth. This is the worst way to lie because it assumes that the person you are lying will believe you and that later on you will remember the lie you told. Some people when they lie can't help but give themselves away with facial expressions and a nervous demeanour.
A better way to lie is to tell part of the truth, but not all. Generally, this will take care of the expressions and nervousness, well, most of it anyways. The problem is, that the fellow being lied to might start to ask questions in order to clarify his understanding of the situation. This leads to more lies to cover up the half truth you just told and like a cheap Walmart sweater your story will come unravelled, sooner rather than later.
The absolute best way to lie is to tell the truth. The key is to tell the truth so unconvincingly that no one will believe you. No nervousness or facial expressions to give you away, no awkward questions to clarify facts, and if by chance you are found out, well, you told the truth! It is true what they say, "The truth will set you free." well, the truth will help you be better liar anyways.
I have an example to demonstrate this from my past. My brother was a Rover when he was fifteen. Back then they didn't have Venturers, you went right from being a Scout at 14 years old into Rovering. He didn't join to help little old ladies across the street, or to brush up on his wood lore. Rovers was the last step in scouting, so the age range was from 15 to 23. That is right, you could join a group of like minded people some of whom were old enough to buy beer! Not only could you get alcohol underage, but you would quite often go camping (unchaperoned) where you could drink said alcohol while practicing your knots.
This particular group of Rovers had a bus that they would use as a clubhouse which was parked at the back of a field in an industrial area not too far from my house. I guess they would use it to hold meetings, do initiations and drink beer when they couldn't get out of town for the weekend. I was never allowed in the bus because not only wasn't I a Scout, but I was a little brother and I suppose a pain in the ass. Nothing has changed. But it was a bus! Might as well have painted "KID MAGNET" on the side of it.
My buddy, Ken R and I were intrigued by this bus that was in the middle if a field, and since we were on summer vacation with nothing constructive to do, the explorers in us decided to, well, explore. We wandered around the bus but because all of the windows had been covered with steel plate, there wasn’t a lot to see. There was however a largish hole in the side of the bus that might just let us see inside. It was blacker than the devils heart, and we couldn’t see anything. I’m not sure which one of us decided to use a match to light up the dark hole, but afterwards we each blamed the other. When you toss a lit match into the gas tank of a bus, even an old out of service bus, one of two things happen. Nothing, or an impressive explosion with a really loud BOOM, billowing white smoke and destruction. The second option is what happened to us that sunny summer day. Needless to say, the adrenaline began pumping through our veins and when we picked ourselves up off the ground we ran just as far and as fast as we could. Luckily, no one gave chase or even suspected two teenage boys running down the street away from a billowing cloud of smoke. Weird!

The next day, I went along with my brother when he got a call that someone had broken in to the Rovers "den". It turns out that the would be thief was unable to gain entrance to the bus. Even after he ripped a large section of metal off of the bus, pulled a motor out about 1 ½ feet, crawled under the bus and kicking the floor with such force that the furniture inside actually flipped over. They were stymied. I walked around the bus a couple of times and marveled that we survived and then I said to the collected Rovers I was the culprit, but I didn’t break in, I blew it up". They all laughed and continued their speculations while I walked away knowing that I did the right thing.

So, anyways, today I have to lie about how long I had the car in a parking lot. It is tearing me apart, but if I tell the truth it will cost me $27 dollars, but if I lie it will only cost me $12. I guess that I just learned that my integrity is worth about $15.
This was not my finest day.


  1. Don't tell me you lie on your tax returns too! B-honest

  2. Telling kieselguhr to the gov't isn't really wrong. In fact, I think it is your patriotic duty.

  3. WTF????
    Spelling "kieselguhr" instead of "lies" is way beyond dyslexic.