Thursday 20 October 2011

Foetal Position On The Shower Floor

I went for an Echocardiogram today. Nothing to be concerned about, just a doctor covering all of the bases. I kind of get the feeling that he had me do this in order to build a plausible defence, just in case. I got to the office about ten minutes early, so that I would have time to fill out the forms. Surprisingly, all that was needed was my AB health number and a signature. I had barely gotten past the dresses worn at some award show in a three year old People magazine when “Paul” called my name.

This always happens, they call your name and by the time you get to your feet, the guy has disappeared down a long hallway with about twenty doors. I walked past a few doors and finally came to a darkened room with a guy in it. I didn’t get a good look at Paul, but when I looked in he said “Take off everything above your waist and lie down on your back!” I hope this is the right room, because if it isn’t then I just walked into an unpleasant scene from a prison movie.

Paul came back and stuck some self adhesive electrodes at strategic places on my chest. I have had this test done more than a few times over the years, and this time I noticed that it seemed less complicated than in the past. The first time I was hooked up to so many wires that I thought I was a marionette. I guess this is just another example of improved technology. The echocardiogram of the future will probably involve you walking through the office door and then back out again. Paul and I made small talk and found that we both have rotten teeth and good dentists. We agreed that dentists charge far more than they should, but, when you need them they are worth their weight in gold.

Paul put some kind of goop on the end of his probe and stuck it forcefully into my ribs. This does sound like a prison movie. He would hold it in one place for a minute or so, then re-goop and stick it some other place. I lost track of the time, but eventually Paul gave me a couple of wipes and told me that I should clean myself up, get dressed and that we were done. I kind of feel a little cheap!

While I was dressing, I watched the video of my heart beating. I think I saw a valve opening and closing, but it could have been a little hand waving at me. It is pretty hard to make anything out on those shadow pictures.

I left the building and crossed the street to the 7/11 where I bought myself a “reward” candy bar. When did candy bars start costing $1.67? It didn’t taste any different from the same bar that cost 10 cents back in the sixties. It did taste good however, and I suppose getting stuck and feeling unpleasant was today’s theme.

I found a video on youtube and this is exactly what mine looked like. .

Well, tomorrow is another day and I had better scrub the goop off of my body. A couple of hours in the foetal position on the shower floor ought to do it.

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