Fisting

I just don’t understand the rational behind computer malware and viruses. I don’t like them either, but I don’t suppose that anyone does.

The reason that is given is that out in the cyber world there are computer hackers that sit around at night swilling Jolt Cola, eating pizza and popping pimples and goofing on their computers. These guys and gals must be the cream of the crop, because they have mastered all of the different variations of Dungeons and Dragons, written apps for the iPhone that made them a few million bucks and have bought that mansion in Silicon Valley where the pizza gets delivered.

My world is pretty small, I only know one guy that made a fortune from his computer, but he now works for Google and spends his time coming up with great ideas that will not only challenge him, but will hopefully benefit mankind. He sure missed the boat, what a doofus! He could be staying up into the wee hours of the night designing worms, malware and viruses that attack those unsuspecting suckers out there in the digital wasteland.

I would like to meet one of these guys some day, and after I had water boarded him/her for a few days and pulled their teeth out with a pair of rusty pliers, I would have a few questions I’d like to have answered. The big one is WHY? What do you get from it? For the most part, these worms, malware and viruses are hidden and are unable to trace. How do these hackers even know if the code they wrote was effective? There is no financial benefit and only a very few of the viruses have ever gotten any real publicity.

I have a picture of some geeky chat room where these dicks sit at their computers in anonymity bragging that they did this or that and they pissed off a retired guy in Calgary who had to spend a couple of minutes running SPYBOT. I kind of wonder what the parents of these dicks think the kids are doing in the basement. What a waste of life and a waste of flesh too.

Of course, there is another explanation that does make sense. What if companies like MacAfee, Avast, Kaspersky, AVG and Norton to mention just a few were the ones paying these computer geeks to write malicious programs that attack our computers? That would keep the geeks in pizza and caffeine, and another set of geeks could spend their days designing “fixes” for those viruses that the first bunch of geeks wrote. The winners in this scenario are the Internet Security Companies that make billions of dollars, pounds and yen, “protecting” us and our computers.

I know it is hard to believe that large multi-national companies would fuck us over just to make a profit, but I understand that it’s happened in the past. There is nothing we can do about the multi-nationals if they are behind these worms, malware and viruses, so we had best hope that our problems are due to a few thousand pimply kids sitting in their mom and dad’s basement, fisting themselves by the glow of a computer screen.