Sunday 29 June 2014

Dark Shadows

I often feel like I am still a little boy. I know that I have long since grown into a man, a husband, a father and now a grandfather, but I am that little boy in times of stress.

I have never really had to deal with stress on a regular basis which is a good thing in many ways. I have always had someone to share the stressful times with. Usually Louise, but sometimes I need to share my stress with other people. I find that when I am with others, I have to act like a mature adult and between us we can find a solution to the problem. Lately, sharing stress with Louise isn’t as helpful as it once was, because now I can allow myself to be the little boy in front of her. I wish it weren't so.

It is still better than being alone with my thoughts. I don’t have too many bouts any more because I am older and most of the emotional stress in my life has disappeared. It is the unexpected that can throw me for a loop. I think it is the not knowing that causes my problems. Others seem to be able to deal with the unexpected in stride and just immediately start to deal with the problem. Oh how I envy them.

I try to draw on a previous experience and how I reacted that other time, but often I am on unknown ground. Just like a kid, fear begins to rule. Fear blots out rational thought and all I can think about is the worst things that can happen in any given situation. I feel like a child lost in the woods. There is no comforting adult around, just dark shadows and strange noises. The things that go bump in the night!
Lucky for me, I am only afraid of the shadows for a few days. After that, I have time to think things through and come up with a course of action. Usually I have had help and comfort from those that I love. Thanks for being there when I needed you everyone.

I will never be an adult, or maybe I will be an adult with childlike tendencies. The crisis isn’t averted, but it is being handled, or will be when I stop trembling…

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