Tuesday 13 May 2014

The Spiked Sex Toy

I went out today to pick up a chew toy that would entertain my grand-dog Lola for longer than the current stuffed animal can. I am finding stuffing all over the place and hopefully, Lola isn’t swallowing any. Buster has never been a chewer and seldom rips stuffed animals apart. He has been known to rip the odd bird to pieces, but that would be food and not play.

I have never been very good at picking out toys for dogs. The things that I am pretty sure any dog with an ounce of self respect would avoid like the plague, is the exact thing that is the most popular. Louise bought a stuffed camel when we first brought Buster home and I can tell you that no dog of mine would like a plush camel that beeps when you squeeze it. It has been his favourite toy for years; he will sit with it and nuzzle it, but never tear it apart. Sometimes he leaves it outside, but he knows that his human will bring it in for him.

I know Lola has a kong (cong?) at home that she chews, but somehow I just don’t think it is the right thing for her. I have no idea what a large, smelly, slobbering bulldog will enjoy, but today I will find something. I just have to think like a large, smelly, slobbering bulldog. That shouldn’t be too hard, I am large, have been known to smell and I can sling the bull with the best of them. Think like a dog…think like a dog…think like a dog…

Try as I might, it is difficult to think like a dog. It doesn’t matter how I come at the problem, I just can’t understand the attraction of other dog’s tails or random piles of dog droppings on the sidewalk. I get human pissed off, not dog interested. Water in puddles doesn’t look like refreshing drink at all. I’m going to have to think like a human trying to think like a dog.

When I got to the store, there were all of these tug-o-war toys in all of the colours of the rainbow, and some colours that would embarrass a rainbow. I’m pretty sure that dogs are colour blind so that everything is grey to them. They smell in colour, which might explain the interest in assholes. There were large tug toys, small tug toys, rubber chew toys with spikes that kind of look like something you might find in a sex store. The spikes turned me off, but not as much as the thought of someone seeing Lola with a sex toy did.

I ended up buying a large tug toy for Lola and a smaller one for Buster. I also got a bag of rawhide chews which everybody likes. Well, not me or Louise, but the dogs seemed pleased when I got home. Yep, I am a pretty good guy!

I was just out in the living room and Lola has torn stuffing out of the smaller tug toy and there are several tooth marks in the larger one. They have lasted about an hour now, but to be fair, the first 45 minutes were taken up with the rawhide thing. They are going to be trashed sometime early in the evening, with no help from Buster at all. I give up! I wonder if I got my hands on a Sherman tank and filled it with peanut butter, it would last any longer. She is one tough bitch!

Next time I’m going with the spiked sex toy.

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