Saturday 24 May 2014

An Unusually Small Penis

I am not a car guy!

I have never been a car guy, and I will never be a car guy. I don’t care if a car can go from 0 to 100 in five point three seconds. All that means to me is that I could conceivably get a ticket in less than five seconds after the light goes green. The fact that a car can do 280 KPH just seems stupid to me. To the best of my knowledge, there is no place in North America that you can drive faster than 85 KPH. What’s the point?

I can appreciate a good looking car, but my comments are more like “That reminds me of a gangster car.” or “Wouldn’t that be really hard to get in and out of?” “I like the red colour.” “I wonder how much the tires cost.” Engine performance just isn’t interesting for me. All that I need to know is will it get me to the second hand store or Tim Horton’s. The heater is important too, I do live in Canada and if this past year is any indication, we will have eight out of twelve months that the car needs heating. My buddy’s new car came with seat warmers which I don’t like because for an instant I kind of think I may have soiled myself.

New cars come with GPS systems, fantastic stereo systems, Bluetooth, onboard computers and God knows what else. I still think that power windows and doors are somewhat of an extravagance. To me, the best air conditioning is rolling down the windows, it cools you naturally and you can’t hear any passenger’s inane babbling. Other places in the country need the AC, but I live in Calgary and we only ever have a couple of weeks of hot weather. Like I say, I am not a car guy.

That’s why it is strange that I got the Jaguar Magazine in the mail today. It has 50 pages dedicated to the 2015F-TYPE Coupe. It has a 550 HP supercharged engine and goes from 0 -100 in 4.2 seconds with a top speed of 300 KPH. The joke in the magazine is that the pictures in this issue will be the only time I’d see one standing still. I guess they assume that I would know what an F-TYPE Coupe Jaguar would look like. It is available to me at my local retailer for $72,900, so I should take the plunge. The plunge into poverty I guess.

It is a nice looking car, and the magazine is glossy with lots of long shots of the Jag on mountain or seaside roads. I guess it’s going really fast, but hard to tell from a picture. The magazine also has some very odd pictures of the Shakespearian actors in the stage play “Neverland”. I can’t imagine that these people are all driving the new Jags. Maybe the producers of “Neverland” drive Jags and are footing some of the bill for this magazine. I don’t know, and I don’t really care.

I am not a car guy and I am not a Shakespeare fan either. Do you think Shakespeare would be driving an F-TYPE Jaguar if he lived in out time? Maybe he would if he had an unusually small penis.

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