Sunday, 11 May 2014

Empress Lola


Next Saturday, I expect to get a gift from my daughter. It will be a t-shirt that reads, “MY DAUGHTER AND HER FAMILY WENT TO SAN DIEGO AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS CRUMMY T-SHIRT AND A BIG OLD SLOBBERING GRAND-BULLDOG TO LOOK AFTER FOR A WEEK” It’s a good thing that I wear larger t-shirts, because there is no way that message would fit on a small.


I actually like looking after Lola; she is a lot easier than looking after the grand kids. Unlike Hurricane and Tornado, Lola sleeps most of the day. She doesn’t have favourite movies that we have all seen a hundred times. Mind you, I bet she has never seen “The Incredible Journey”, “101 Dalmations”, “Fluppies”, “The Shaggy Dog”, “Old Yeller”, “Lady and the Tramp”, “K-9”, “Benji”, “Lassi”, “Turner and Hooch” or “Scooby-Doo” just to mention a few, and she won’t see them while she is staying here. I may have to re-watch a few of those once Lola goes back home, because I do like them. Lola likes to play, but Buster is kind of an asshole as a host, so he pretty much ignores her.

Yes, she somehow manages to shit twice the weight of the food she consumes, and I will need to rent a bobcat and a dump truck to get rid of the piles she is leaving all over the back yard. Who says they aren’t making any more real estate? She is a drooler and a slobberer, but she is super cute. The slobber will make me wash the floors, couch, shoes, walls, Buster and probably Louise. I can’t be sure, but I think that slobber is some kind of industrial strength glue. If we could bottle it, we’d make a fortune.

One good thing about having Lola here is that the German Sheppard’s that just moved into Bob the Assholes house next door are thinking twice about barking at Buster. They see this tough looking bitch and stop in mid bark. Lola could rip them a new asshole. I feel a little more comfortable that there won’t be any break ins while Lola is visiting. Buster is a barker, but he doesn’t really instil fear in anything but birds. Lola on the other hand is genetically predisposed to taking bulls down, so a couple of drugged up crack heads don’t stand a chance. I can only imagine the size of the back yard piles the next day.

She is also a great alarm clock. Any time between 6:30 and 7:00 AM you can hear her toenails clicking their way down the hall to check and see if we are awake yet. She does this a couple of times and I will eventually get out of bed. I come out into the hall and there she is at the top of the stairs looking from me to her food container over and over again, like maybe I had forgotten where the food was. I know I am tired and not thinking as clearly as I could be, but I’d swear that she is thinking “The food or you…it makes no difference to me.”


Buster is a dog, he knows he’s a dog and he seems content being a dog. Lola is a dog, but she has the air of royalty and I know that if she could talk, she would refer to herself in the third person. “We are not amused!”, “Our water is stale.”, “We could do with a treat…now!” This must be what it is like if the Queen drops in on some poor family for tea, well, that’s what it feels like.


It’s nice to have the Empress Lola as a house guest, but I don’t think Louise and I live up to her expectations.


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