Really Good Shit

I had an early appointment with my favourite Dentist, Dr. Julie who was assisted by Sarah the magnificent dental assistant. I had nearly forgotten about the appointment as it was made a couple of months ago. Time is needed to get pre-authorization from the insurance company and Dr. Julie is becoming more and more in demand. She is that good. Dr. Julie had forgotten why I was there as well, so I made sure that she was going to work on the right tooth. They all look alike to me.

Today when I got in the chair, I also made sure that she hadn’t just argued with her husband and hated all men or that her two year old hadn’t kept her up all night. I like to have a dentist that is able to devote all of her attention to the razor sharp instruments and high speed drills that she is putting in my mouth. She and her hubby are getting along pretty well and she was up for a half hour with the baby which I imagine she can handle. We are good to go!

It was an old crown that needed to be worked on today, the crown was still in pretty good shape, but underneath the crown some decay had invaded and was threatening to destroy what little is left of my tooth. I won’t go into detail about the needling, grinding, pulling, chipping, suctioning, moulding and drilling that went on, but I was frozen up to my eyebrows and it had worn off in the two hours plus I sat in the chair. Yeah…two hours!

Towards the end when all of the “wet work” was done, Sarah was test fitting the temporary crown into place and she dropped it. It landed on my tongue and she cried “DON’T SWALLOW IT!” I stuck out my tongue and she plucked it up and fitted it back on the stump. She went on to say that her panic is just training, because the one thing they are very careful about is not to drop the permanent crown. A few years ago Dr. Julie dropped the crown and the woman swallowed it. The woman was unwilling to wait a day and fish it out of the toilet which cost Dr. Julie $350 that she had to pay the lab to make a new one. Bitch!

I told Sarah that she didn’t have to worry about me; I would have no problem going on a fishing trip if it would save $350. In fact, I would kind of think of myself as a modern day Goose that laid the golden egg. The modern day Aesop could write a children’s fable about it, but probably wouldn’t

In fact, something similar happened to me many years ago. I was sitting in a friend’s house when the door was kicked in and four guys with guns came in shouting “Nobody moves!!!” No problem! Lucky for us, it wasn’t dope dealers that had been ripped off by my friend’s brother, it was the RCMP. I guess lucky might not be the best way to describe it; perhaps we were marginally less unlucky. I only had a second or two to swallow the tin foil covered chunk of hash that was in my pocket. The cops just gave us a warning and a veiled threat that they would be keeping an eye on us in the future. This is the future and I haven’t seen one of those guys since.

The next day I had to fish the hash out of the toilet after it had made the incredible journey through my colon. Surprisingly, it was in pristine condition once it had been rinsed off and dried. I kept it for a couple of weeks, but I just couldn’t bring myself to smoke it or to let my friends smoke it. I ended up selling it to an acquaintance of a friend of a friend for $40. During the sale, he asked me if it were any good and I told him “I can honestly say that this is really good shit!”