Wednesday, 8 May 2013

When I Am Naked

I don’t like flying at the best of times and after the flight we had and the two hours drive to get here I was pretty much done. Here, is a beautiful four story home that is more of a small hotel than a house that my buddy and his wife just bought.

They thought it would be great to invite all of their closest friends to a house warming weekend. I couldn’t be happier for them, but happy for friends that are doing well generally involves a little jealousy. Just a little bit. We arrived, took the fifty cent tour, had a lovely BBQ on a massive deck and then spent an hour or two in pleasant conversation just catching up on the years that have gone by. I was bushed! I like spending time with my friends, but sometimes I just need to get away.

That is why I excused myself and was walking up the four flights of stairs to “the Penthouse”. The “Penthouse” is what they call the top floor, in other homes it would be an attic, but in other homes it wouldn’t be this large. It is as big as the main floor in my place. It is decorated like an attic, with cast off furniture and the boxes holding Christmas are piled in the corner. I have no complaints though, the bed is large and inviting, there is a nice warm carpet on the floor, the view is to die for and it has its own bathroom which for a man my age is a wonderful thing.

When I got to the top of the stairs, all I wanted was a shower and the oblivion of sleep. I went in the bathroom and saw the vanity and toilet, but no shower. What? There was a door leading off of the bathroom, so I opened it and looked out onto a large expanse of flat roof with a railing around the outside. I could look up to the right and there was an apartment building with a few people sitting on the balconies, enjoying the view and the nice weather. I turned to go back in and that’s when I saw the shower. Who puts a shower on the outside of the bathroom?

Now I had to decide just how badly I wanted a shower. Not only did I want a shower badly, but I needed a shower badly. I went out and hung the towel on the railing to block the view from the apartment building and started to shower. Just then a wind came up and blew the towel off the railing, giving the people on the balconies a show they wish they had never seen. I finished quickly and was just about to head into the “Penthouse” when the door opened and about twenty of my best friends and the same amount of complete strangers came out onto the rooftop.

They all greeted me as they stepped over the threshold like it was common place to see me naked and dripping wet on a rooftop. A group of about five women stood blocking the door and I was trying to get their attention so that I could go inside and get dressed. Meanwhile this guy with silver hair and an actor’s face kept trying to engage me in conversation.

“How long have you known our hosts?” I held up my hand to him and again tried to get the ladies attention.

“The weather is beautiful isn’t it?” I give him the hand again, ‘cause for fuck sakes I am naked.

“Do you know if there are any events planned for tomorrow?”

I couldn’t believe this guy, so I said “SHUT THE FUCK UP! There now, your mouth looks much better closed than open.”

Unfortunately, everyone else stopped talking and looked right at me, even the people on the balconies looked at me. It was as if they hadn’t seen me until that minute and until that minute they hadn’t realized that I was wet and naked. The quiet staring seemed to go on forever and I got more and more embarrassed the longer the quiet lasted.

That’s what I hate about dreams, you know something isn’t right but you can’t quite put your finger on what it is. I should have known when the women didn’t move away from the door. Normally, women will go to great lengths to avoid me when I am naked.

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