Thursday 5 April 2012

Just A Crock

My buddy Ken and his wife are out-a-travelling. They have this fifth wheel and of course the truck that pulls it, which lets them take their home with them. Okay, not their entire home, but certainly more than the suitcase or two which is what I have when I travel.

They went for a long trip across Canada two summers ago and were gone for about two months. I wished that they had taken their entire home with them that time, or at the very least their lawn. I have this personality flaw that is kind of like Turrets syndrome, but instead of uncontrollable swearing, I tend to uncontrollably agree to things. The swearing will often come later, each and every time that I am doing what I agreed to do. Two years ago, I agreed to cut his lawn while he was away and every now and then check to make sure that the basement wasn't full of water or the that the living room wasn't full of crack addicts and other artsy types.

I try to make their trip as worry free as possible. Well, except that I let them know that I would be wearing Pat's panties for a hat when I cut the lawn. I thought that would bring them back early, but no such luck. I did kind of enjoy cutting the lawn as he has this really nice gas mower that makes my little push mower look like a...well...push mower. I take solace in the fact that as the last human sucks in his last polluted breath; when he exhales, the last three words out of his mouth will be "Thanks Ken for trying to save the planet when other people used gas guzzlers to cut their lawns." Sure, that was more than three words but I guess it had to be said.

So anyways, they are off-a-traveling once again. They are more or less heading straight south from here, and when they near a place where all of the people speak a foreign language they will turn west until they run out of land. Then the plan is to head north along the Pacific Coast Hwy until they find a Tim Horton's and visit with Pat's sister. Hopefully, they will have enough money left to fill the truck with gas and arrive home in Calgary in about eight weeks. I am going to assume that they will do some sight seeing along the way, gamble in Las Vegas, hang out in Compton for a few days, party with the surfers, drink coffee in Seattle and fill the trailer with knick-knacks and mementos from their trip.

I tried to explain the concept of "Snowbird" to them, but for some reason they just didn't listen to me. I told them that most people will go south in the fall and return in the spring, avoiding the cold Alberta winter, not south in the spring. I wonder if there are animals that follow the cold? There just may have been at one time, but I imagine that particular rung on the evolutionary ladder has died off. More than likely from the cold! There is a very good chance that Ken and Pat are the last of a dying breed.

Ken sort of mentioned that it would be nice if his lawn got power raked and aerated while he was away. I told him that it would have been nice if I had been born rich instead of devilishly handsome, but some things just aren't meant to be. I have never believed in power raking, but over the years I have used a grass rake...reluctantly. The idea is that you rake the dead grass from deep down and remove it from the lawn, allowing the grass to grow unencumbered. I thought that you called that natural compost. I talked to my eastern friends about power raking and they didn't know what I was talking about. I was pretty sure that I never saw anyone do it while I lived in Ontario, but some of my memories are a little sketchy. I think the whole idea is just a crock of shit!

I may power rake and aerate Ken's lawn, but then again I may not. I wonder what odds I would get in Vegas? If you want to keep your money, bet with the house.

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