Friday 24 June 2011

Fight Crime: Destroy The Planet

I just spent the last hour trying to unjam one of those home shredder machines. I am three quarters the way through now, but it is getting late and I want to try and write in the blog every night. I know what you are thinking, “Don’t do it for us!” Well, I am not doing it for you; I am doing it for me and posterity. You couldn’t see, but I kept a straight face while I was typing that.

So, let’s get back to the shredder. When exactly did my garbage become important enough for someone to want to read it? Most of it I don’t want to read. Actually I don’t read most of it. It is just bills and things with our names and address on them. I suppose that someone that was really good with the dark side of computers could glean enough information to steal my identity. Why? I don’t really want to be me most of the time. Perhaps that is why these nefarious evil doers do their evil. They would rather be anyone but themselves. I have lived here for over twenty five years and I have never seen anyone going through the garbage in our alley. That isn’t entirely true, I have been know to go into the garbage bins of the neighbours if I see something that is shiny or that needs to rest in my garage for ten or fifteen years before I get around to tossing it in the garbage.

So, really, what are the chances that someone will decide to pick my neighbourhood and my street and my alley and of the hundred or so houses pick mine. That number has to be pretty big. Pretty big is how we math challenged say astronomical. I guess that in the old days before recycling the bad guys would have to scrape hardened egg yoke and coffee grounds off of the phone bill if they really wanted it. That alone probably kept us safe. The cops would have an easier time catching these guys because they would really stink. You think that’s why the term stinker means bad guy?

In a way I supose that we have inadvertently helped the criminals by going green. Maybe we should go back to destroying the planet so that our identities can remain our own. A conspiracy theorist would say that the electronic shredder manufacturers are behind this crime wave, sponsoring criminals in order to get us nine to fivers to invest in their machines thus making them rich. Judging by the way that damned machine jammed up today they want us to buy a new machine after every ten uses. Well, not me! I will get that thing working, save myself the expense of buying another one and at the same time combat crime.

No, I am not a super hero, just a super guy…no, really I am!

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