Friday 4 July 2014

The Sale Starts Next Tuesday

I don’t know why, but I have been worried about someone sneaking into our house at night. It is irrational, paranoid and perhaps just a touch foolish, but I feel what I feel.

It doesn’t help that Buster will just go ape shit in the middle of the night barking his fool head off. He will run to the front window, to the back door, to the front window, to the back door, as if he is demanding to go out. I don’t want to let him out for a few reasons. First, there is nothing worse than some neighbour’s asshole dog barking in the middle of the night and waking you up. Second, that fucking dog isn’t the boss of me and he can’t make me do his bidding. Third, barking in the house should be a deterrent to any would be thief that’s lurking in the shadows outside. Forth and possibly the best reason for not letting him out is that if I let him out that means the door is unlocked and opened which makes it easier for that psychopathic killer to walk into the house.
I don’t really have any kind of weapon beside the bed. I guess I could toss dirty underwear at the intruder, but that might just make him angrier than he is already. Well, unless it was real dirty and stuck to his face, blinding him long enough for me to run to the kitchen and get a knife or out to the garage and find that baseball bat. I think it’s somewhere on the north side, behind all of that wood. I do have a ukulele within reach, but any crazed killer worth his salt wouldn’t let that stop him at all. Maybe if I could actually play it would lull him into a melodic stupor. The way I play, there is a better than average chance he would get more pissed off.

If the guy gets as far as the bedroom, the best I could do is to hide under the covers. That is pretty effective against closet monsters or the crocodiles that live under the bed, but I don’t think it would be good against masked thieves. I could describe where all of the valuables are in the house, but it is such a short list I’m afraid he would just get more and more upset. Nope, I am going to have to arm myself.
I noticed in this weeks Princess Auto flyer that they have BB guns for sale. They have pellet rifles for sale as well, but BB and pellet guns although very effective against bottles and cans, most likely wouldn’t send a burglar running in fear of his life. The crossbow would work though! That’s right; Princess Auto has crossbows ($129.00) for sale! I can get one that is painted camo or I can get the flat black. I am leaning towards the black, for no real reason other than I think black is pretty badass.
I can picture that thieving, fucking sneak thief’s face when I flick on the lights and he is looking into the business end of a crossbow. There is something primal about a crossbow; mankind has been killing living things with one for centuries. It’s time for a comeback as a homeowner’s best friend. Just after he had pissed himself, I would have him lay on the floor facedown with his hands laced behind his back. While we were waiting for the cops to arrive, I would get the Princess Auto cattle prod ($39.99) and give his testicles a test tickle. That son-of-a-bitch would be begging the cops to throw him in jail and toss away the key.

The sale starts next Tuesday…

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