Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Talked Nicely



I'm so tired, I can't even read this. Maybe you should just stop here.

Have you ever done something that you knew was stupid but went ahead anyways?

Last night we were at a restaurant and when the waitress brought the plate to Louise she told her to be careful of the plate as it just came out of the oven. Louise ate carefully, being sure not to touch the hot plate. I reached over right away to see how hot the waitress thought that “hot” was. Turns out that “hot” for the waitress is the universal “hot”. You know the kind, where your skin will blister and you know that you just did a stupid thing when you touched it.

I long ago found out that when the cup at Tim Horton’s has “HOT” written on it, they mean that you will lose the ability to taste if you don’t wait for it to cool down.

Who hasn’t tested to see it the “WET PAINT” sign is actually on wet paint. I do it every time that I see a sign like that, but only once was the paint actually wet. The trouble I had was that now my finger has some wet paint on it and there is really no way to wipe it off. You can’t wipe it on the wall, or you would just get more paint on your fingers. It’s wet, remember? I try to wipe it on my palm, hoping that it will somehow magically dry while it is on your palm. Now, I have a finger with slightly less wet paint on it and a palm with too much wet paint on it. Leaves really suck at absorbing paint, as does concrete, grass or steel handrails. The only thing that seems to work would be your pants and shirt, especially if you are trying to be really careful to keep your hands away from said items.

Last year I bought an electric fly swatter. It isn’t really a fly swatter, but looks more like a mini tennis racquet. There is a battery in the handle and the idea is to electrocute the fly when you swat at it. It actually does kind of work. If the fly does somehow stumble onto the wire mesh it is definitely dead. The problem is that it is hard to convince a fly to land on the racquet. Flies rarely do what you want them to do, even well behaved flies. What you really need are well behaved flies with suicidal tendencies. I guess if you were a fly and you didn’t like walking on shit, rotten fruit or long dead animals, you might just be prone to suicide. So, I have this electric swatter and all I want to do with it is to touch my tongue to the mesh and just see how strong a shock would be that would kill a fly.

This morning I was trying to kill about twenty minutes and decided that it would be a real good time to sharpen a plane iron. It wasn’t by the way, as I was too rushed to do a good job. I went through all of the steps, but I went trough them far too quickly. I usually test the sharpness of the blade by shaving a few hairs off of the back of my arm. It didn’t cut the hairs, so I knew that I would have to go through the whole process again. I was putting the blade on the far side of the bench to protect it, when I nicked my thumb and it started to bleed, The iron wasn’t really sharp, but not dull either. If I have time tomorrow I”ll be sure to finish the job.

Once, I even talked nicely to a tele marketer, but I won’t do that again. Then they think you are a friend and keep talking! Assholes

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