Tuesday 28 February 2012

Oh, No Need For a Reward

I was on a quest today. Some of you might remember the water heater incident of a week and a half ago that damaged the floor in an adjacent room. It doesn’t matter if you remember, because I do. I have decided that self repair is far more preferable than going through Mister Insurance and his $500 deductible. Now, all that I have to do is to buy about four square feet of Parkay flooring and some of the appropriate glue, spend a few quality minutes/hours and you will never know that there was an incident.

It turns out that laminate flooring has replaced parkay as the cheapest most durable kind of flooring. So much so in fact that I simply can’t find any at all. It is starting to look like I will either have to rip the entire floor up and replace it with laminate or get creative with the water damaged stuff. I haven’t given up, well, I have for today but I have a couple of places to hit tomorrow. Wish me luck.

It was after I had had my hopes dashed that I went to the library to return a couple of movies and to see if anything jumped out at me. Nothing did, so I just headed back to the car. I like to walk by the fronts of the cars, that way it is much more difficult to hit me. It can be done, but they really have to want to hit me. I also take the opportunity to look for abandoned gloves (leather fingers protect my thumb while carving), wallets or electronic devices on the ground. I don’t usually find anything, but I remain optimistic that I will someday. Well, today was the day!
I found an iPhone that had a run in with a car and the screen was pretty much toast. I figured that I would take it to the Apple store and they might be able to track the owner. I would love to find one and be able to keep it, but unfortunately most are locked and without the peripherals they are pretty much useless. I also know just how heartbroken I would be if I lost a $400 or $500 piece of electronics. I know that a phone is just a tool, but it is a tool that can be a better friend than a person. I see the kids making finger love to their phones on the way to school, in the mall, on the bus and even when they are talking to you.

My daughter was telling a co-worker who was considering getting a new phone that he should opt for the smart phone. He said he would probably lose it and she assured him that probably wouldn’t happen. She said that it becomes a part of you and is rarely out of your hand for more than a minute or two. She left hers in a restaurant once but realized before she had gone half a block.

I got home and was telling Louise about my morning when my bag started to ring/vibrate. She looked at me as if to say “Is that a phone in your bag or are you just glad to see me?” I pulled it out and realized that I had no idea how to answer an iPhone. It turns out that just saying “Hello” into it doesn’t work. It’s funny how much I felt like a primitive tribesman that was holding a rock when it all of a sudden sprang to life. I called Arwen and asked her how to answer an iPhone and she said I should just swipe the screen. The problem was that the screen, instead of being a single unblemished piece of Gorilla glass, was now in about two thousand pieces because of the car. It rang several times and the tribesman in me kept tapping, talking and twisting, all to no avail.

I went to the iPad and googled how to answer an iPhone. It said I should swipe the screen. Ahhhhh… Next I asked Mister Google how to answer the phone without the screen. I could swear it hesitated before answering and then explained about using the earpiece that comes with it. Ahhhh…. I went to my found electronic drawer and brought out an earpiece so that the next time the phone rang I managed to answer it. The problem with found electronics is that the reason they are on the ground to be found is that they are shit! I could barely hear the person on the other end and what with the TV blaring and the phone ringing I couldn’t hear the number properly. I heard 999-984*$#%. I tried to call that number and I guess not too surprisingly I got a wrong number.

The next time the phone rang I just gave them my number and hoped for the best. They called and I gave them my address and since they were pretty close they were coming right over. I practiced my “Oh, no need for a reward.” speech, and figured I would give them the old “I would be broken hearted if I (were stupid enough to have) lost my phone. Think nothing of it.”

They drove up and I met them at the street. He asked where I found it in the parking lot and blamed a faulty button on his coat. He thanked me for being so honest and drove off.

As I watched the car drive off I said to myself “Oh, no need for a reward!”


  1. " Oh no surprise here as I saw that coming! Fuckem B

  2. Yeah, I saw it coming too, but you know me. I'm the half full kind of guy. Louise says I am half full of shit, but what does she know?

  3. I like the quote from "Grumpy Old Men" You can wish in one hand and crap in the other, and see which one fills up first! B