Wednesday 6 July 2011

Is There A Bounty On Dickie Dee?

Has anyone but me ever wanted to kill the Dickie Dee guy?

I have hated that S.O.B since the first day that white truck with pictures of delicious iced treats turned the corner onto our street. I never used to hate the teenagers that used to pedal those cool half bike, half freezers that would be filled with fancy ice cream and popsicles. I guess that I thought of them as the modern day equivalent of a centaur, only instead of being filled with horseshit (Today the politicians have cornered the market on horseshit)  they are filled with iced treats. You used to see the Dickie Dee guys where ever crowds would gather on a hot day. They could be found near swimming pools, parks, cultural events, really busy street corners and of course where ever you might find fireworks.

These guys were not to be hated but embraced as they provided an important service of cooling you down when and where you needed it the most. Sure the popsicles were a little more pricy than in a store, but usually not by too much and you generally were nowhere near a store. Yes, those were the good old days, but today those bastards come into my neighbourhood and could actually stop in front of my house!

They aren’t on bikes anymore, but in recycled postal vans (which is an insult to those fine machines that served Canadians faithfully by bring their parcels and Christmas gifts to them for many years) that are driven no longer by teenagers, but by adults. I wouldn’t be surprised if it were a highly sought after job by local pedophiles on the prowl.

 They don’t stay in one place anymore, but cruise the neighbourhoods looking for kids to take advantage of. They not only have large pictures of iced heaven on the sides of the truck, but they play jingles at ear splitting decibels to lure kids. I can only surmise that the music is so loud because it will carry for blocks which will allow the kids to go and find their parents and beg them incessantly until said parents throw a fistful of cash at the kids to shut them up. Might just as well sell the kids into slavery!

These treats are three and four times the price of store bought. Once the kids have a Popsicle shaped like a spaceship or their favourite cartoon character those pathetic phallic shaped popsicles that are in the freezer and cost just a fraction of the fancy ones, will no longer be good enough. I suppose that they are sort of like kid heroin in their addictive qualities.

Tonight at 9:30 (?) this son-of-a-bitch came and parked in front of the house next door with his music shaking the plates off of the shelves and playing a tune that will be stuck in my head for the next three days. I suppose that he had some new victims (customers) that just couldn’t decide between the Blue Smurf cone or the Nasa Shuttlecicle. He was there for about ten minutes, I think my ears might have stopped bleeding by now.

I checked with the cops a few years ago and for some reason they don’t consider a shotgun blast to end Dickie Dee’s life a community service. In fact, they told me that “I” would be the criminal! Time to find a new planet I guess, this one is getting far too many silly rules.

You know, when my kids were of the age to be lured by these sicko dealers of sugar, I had no problem saying NO! I mean, after all we had either home made variations or the cheap superstore variety with which they could stuff their faces and smear all over their bodies if that is what they wanted. Still, when I saw their big teary eyes a little bit of my heart turned to stone. The difficulty as I see it is that although I had no trouble with my kids, the grandkids pretty much get whatever they ask Papa for. How can I say no? Oh God, what new level of Hell am I entering into now?

I think I will call the cops tomorrow and see if the policy has changed and there is a bounty on the Dickie Dee guys.


  1. I had almost forgot about those A-holes back in Airdrie now that I'm living here in seniorville. I just hated those guys and they always cruised by just before dinner, now try and explain that to your kid that it will ruin their appetite for dinner! I haven't seen any of those mobile ice cream shops here, as there is very few kids to sell their crap to.Now we do see more then our share of ambulances screaming down the streets as the average age is 65+ out here, not sure which sound is more annoying. B

  2. Now, as to whether the ambulances are more annoying, I guess it would depend if you were watching it or rinding in it.

  3. Your point is well taken, although if they were to offer ice cream on your trip to the hospital, that would be different! B

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