Friday 15 July 2011

Coffee And Clean Bathrooms

In the “Good old days” you would show up at the airport about a half hour before your flight was scheduled to take off, buy a coffee and a magazine, maybe some smokes for the flight and saunter over to the gate and walk onto the plane. Not any more!

Now, you are told to be at the airport at least an hour and a half before your flight, if it is an international flight. You can do a web check in from home over the computer up to twenty four hours before your flight. You will have booked your seats when you bought your ticket; that is unless you don’t want to sit with the person you are travelling with. When you get to the airport you go to a machine to get a boarding pass and something new to me the last time I was there, you print off your own baggage tags! What the hell!

The only thing that they do now, is to smile and tell you that you are in the wrong line. Oh, and put your bags on the conveyor belt, unless you are travelling out of the country and then you put your own bags on the belt.

Don’t get a coffee yet, you still have to go through security. This is where you have to empty your pockets, take off your belt and shoes and the go through a metal detector. Kind of like what happens when you are arrested. I guess they don’t want you to hang yourself before you get to your gate. They x-ray your bag and confiscate your tweezers because with those you could over power everyone in a plane. I can just imagine what would happen if I went into a bank and demanded all of the money because I was armed with a pair of tweezers.

Now you can get a coffee! Oh, and thank God that you don’t smoke anymore, because if you did you would have to go back through security and out of the airport to have a cigarette. I don’t really have a problem with that. I guess the security doesn’t bother me that much either, it is much more desirable than the plane blowing up somewhere over Saskatchewan.

So you are through security and now have about an hour and a half to kill, assuming there is no delay in the flight. The delay could be caused by bad weather (anywhere), mechanical problems (they never tell you what they might be) or some dick that is wandering about the airport and doesn’t know his plane is about to board. First, I usually read the papers that are left on the seats in the waiting area. Of course only the want ads and obits, the business section and the flyers are there. Not the good flyers either! Okay, that’s three minutes taken care of.

Go for a coffee? Screw that, there are thirty three people in line! Check out both souvenir stores, and make a mental note to buy a good magazine in the days leading up to the trip. Why are these stores so shitty? There isn’t anything that I want in them except for the chocolate bar that is double the normal price. Make a mental note to buy chocolate bars in the days leading up to the trip. I guess I will go to the bathroom. Perfect, this one is being cleaned! I walk all over the place looking for another washroom and don’t find one, but when I get back I guess they finished cleaning this bathroom. I look at the floor strewn with paper towels, water splashed on the counters and the floors (I hope it is water) and pieces of gum in all of the urinals. I thought they just cleaned this bathroom? Well, that killed another fifteen minutes.

Time for me to get in line for a coffee. Just as I figured, if I waited long enough I wouldn’t be 34th in line. Forty two is a good number. How can you stand in line for ten minutes and not only not know what you want, but you don’t have your money ready? Not just one person, but everyone! Finally, hmmmmmm...what do I want? Where did I put my money? That killed twenty minutes.

I take a sip of coffee only to discover it is liquid fire! I find Louise and ask her if I still have an upper lip. She just shakes her head and goes back to her book. I guess I should read my book, but I was saving it for the flight. Oh well! I dig to the bottom of the carry on and find the book just as they call for us to board. Good, now I can read it on the plane.

God, I have to go to the bathroom again. How can they be cleaning it again? Well, it does need it...


  1. Isn't flying a pain in the ass nowadays with all the B*S* you must put up with to get on the bloody plane! The flight from Comox to Calgary takes about a hour and ten, but they want you there two hours early and the drive up there is additional one hour and fifteen. When your in the US it's even worse with all the walking and triple security in some airports, If your coming in from Mexico and entering the US you can count on the shake down, Linda had a small bottle of hot sauce in her purse she bought for a gift, she forgot about it and they found it and all hell broke loose! They took her to special area and went through all of her belonging and did the drug sniffing check with these wand they had with them. About forty five mins. later she was cleared to go on her flight without the hot sauce of course. Flying sucks for the most part. B

  2. I always try to carry a suspicious bottle of something. I am hoping for the full body cavity search. I know a guy that works for Canada customs and he says thaey have a plexiglass room with a plexiglass toilet for the suspected drug smugglers. Great job! I would try to get projectile diarrhea and then act really suspicious.

  3. thats why we should travel by bike....

  4. I've tried to bike on water, and had a little success. Well, for about a foot or so, the funny thing is that although I am too heavy to float on the surface I am not heavy enough to ride on the bottom.

  5. You guys are hilarious