Thursday 28 July 2011

A Creepy Pervert That Can’t Play Guitar

Did you ever think that you should know more than you do?

For the better part of my adult life I have felt that I should be able to do my own car repair. I am at least as smart as a mechanic. It turns out that last statement is false. I am nowhere near as smart as a mechanic when it comes to engines. I buy the Haynes manual, look and find the problem in the trouble shooting section, then go to the relevant section and the engine in the book looks nothing like the engine in my car. When I say nothing, I mean that I can’t recognize a thing! To be honest though, I don’t really like getting greasy and “car dirty”. I can’t and never could roll a pack of smokes up in my t-shirt sleeve. I changed my brakes once, but every time I drove I was sure that I would die in some horrible flaming crash off of a mountain. I never did die.

I have had a guitar for a number of years now and can “noodle” a bit, but I don’t have the same reason to learn that a teenager does. In fact at this stage of my life getting laid would not only cause major marital problems, but also wouldn’t help my focus at all. When I was younger all of my friends played, and the girls would be at the parties anyway, so why go to all of that bother? Yeah, I know...stupid. The problem that I have now is that if I find someone my age to play with, they will usually mention that it has been years since “the band” broke up. If I find a teenager to play with, then I am some creepy pervert. So now I am just a creepy pervert that can’t play guitar.

I can draw a pretty mean stickman when I’m playing Hangman, but that is about it. I should be able to draw a passable face, a country lane and the sun setting behind the mountains. Years ago at work I would draw the face of this rather unpleasant human being (I think he was human, but I can’t be sure), let’s call him “Ditzer” for fun. I would draw Ditzer’s face on the bathroom wall and write “Put your snot on me” underneath. To my surprise and glee people did! I also drew pictures of Ditzer on paper and put them in the urinals on a daily basis. I felt sorry for my boss who had to pretend to be upset about this. I saw him more than a few times fishing urine soaked pictures of Ditzer out of the urinals. I had a co-worker that was a very gifted cartoonist and he got the blame for the drawings. This guy walked in on me one day and was more than a little pissed off. I still marvel at how well everything worked out.

I don’t think I value the skills I have acquired while I have been on the planet. Perhaps once you get proficient at a task it is no longer something that you can’t do, it is just something that you do. Well, I am going to work on my guitar playing and art, but I’ll let the grease monkeys work their magic and keep my tires going around and around.

1 comment:

  1. I'd almost forgot about Ditzer and his twisted view of life,now there was an A-hole. I've heard from my well placed contacts that Herb is waiting for him in hell as they have some unfinished business to tend too! B