Monday 4 July 2011

Bob The Asshole

Today was the first time that I cut the hedges this year. I know what you are thinking, “What a useless, lazy, excuse for a gardener. You are retired too!”

That was a little harsh. Perhaps you'll let me explain.

We moved into this house about 25 years ago with a large mortgage clutched in our hands and three snot nosed kids sucking up the rest of our income. Can’t blame them for being was Louise’s fault! Everything seemed younger then, Louise and I, the kids, the house, the trees, the earth and I guess ultimately the universe. Strangely the grass doesn’t seem to have aged at all. Who knows how old it is? Sort of like an elderly oriental gentleman, could be 60 or 96.

Our neighbours on either side had planted hedges because the guy that had owned our house before us was a wife beating welder. (Not all welders are wife beaters, at least I don’t think they are.) Both neighbours were very nice people and they looked after their yards and hedges, until they moved of course. Since then we have had a succession of neighbours on both sides, some were good people and some would have made very nice fertilizer. The odd thing about all of the neighbours both good and bad is that for some reason they had an aversion to hedges. In 23 years not one of the neighbours has cut the hedge even once!

It isn’t as if they could say that they would have, but Ken got to it first, because here it is July 4th and I am doing the first cut. Every year I let it grow like some monster Chia snake hoping that once, just once, someone will beat me to it. The current neighbour on the corner, Bob the asshole, actually has another hedge that he will reluctantly cut every other year or so, and when he does cut it, he doesn’t do the one between our places. The other neighbour is from some exotic land where I am going to have to assume that all life is precious, up to and including grass and hedges. It is quite possibly a sin to cut any living thing, well, except for hands and penises I guess.

For the first twenty years or so I cut the hedges with hand clippers because I am cheap and I kept hoping that the neighbours will one day say “Hey there Ken give me those clippers and I’ll cut the hedge this year.” So far it hasn’t happened, but as I have said before I am a dreamer and anything is possible. Just about three years ago a buddy loaned me his electric clippers. I guess that he thought I would stop bitching about the hedges if I had a good tool. I guess he realizes how wrong he was by now. Why he had these trimmers when he didn’t have a hedge or a bush is beyond me. Mind you, they would be a great tool for child rearing. “I told you to vacuum and dust! Don’t make me get the electric hedge clippers!” So now I have these electric hedge trimmers, which speeds up the job considerably. When I cut the hedge I do a good job on my side and the top and a shitty job on the neighbour’s side. Still pisses me off, but not for as long anymore.

Did I mention that neither hedge is on my property, and I didn’t plant it? I was a mailman and mailmen just hate hedges. Hedges make cutting across lawns very difficult. Not impossible, but the options often lead to complaints. So, I have spent the last 23 years trimming someone else’s hedge. (That sounds dirty, but in this instance it isn’t.)
People that I don’t like! Oh well, I guess when you stack that up against starving in some third world country it isn’t that bad.

So, the reason that I mentioned this is that today while cutting Bob the Asshole’s side I was stung by a wasp! Those little beggers hurt! There was no one to witness the attack and I didn’t get any sympathy from Louise, so I thought that I might get a little from the blog. No? That’s just as I thought.

Well, have a good night and a lovely tomorrow when it becomes today...

PS. I like to get comments but some people are having trouble figuring out how to do it. I have done what I can on this end, but if you would like to say sometime “What the hell is wrong with you?” then perhaps you can Google the problem on your end. Hope to hear from you.


  1. What the hell is wrong with you????

  2. Well I'm lucky that my lovely wife loves gardening, she doesn't like cooking so we have made a great trade off. The only time I touch the lawnmower is to change the oil once a year, and Linda only ventures into the kitchen about once a year to cook. You have to remember we cut the grass year round out here on the island so it all balances out. Oh I hate hedges also in a postal way! B

  3. It worked, but I have no comment at this time. Thanks for finally figuring the comment thing out ;)


  5. Good for Hamster Girl and Anonymous, whoever they may be. I like the comments, it is almost like I have friends.

  6. Hey Ken you have some sympathy from me as I was stung by a wasp while riding my bike, after a trip to the ER and two years of shots, so far, I have a great deal of sympathy with those that get stung!!! Hope your reaction was not too severe.

  7. The only reaction that I had was getting angry. I took the hose and blasted the nest. I know they will just come back, but the next time I will have the proper poison.