Tuesday, 11 November 2014

A Friendly Contortionist


Do you remember those cheesy science fiction movies and TV shows of the fifties, sixties and seventies? I sure do! I spent far too much time watching them and fantasizing about the future. I never figured that the future depicted in those shows would be my future, but I knew that someday my race would reach for the stars.

I also knew that whenever they did manage to leave this solar system, they would do it in one piece outfits made from spandex that shone like spun gold. The material would keep you cool when it was hot outside, warm when it was cold and it would have the ability to keep itself clean. There would be a zipper or some other kind of fastener that ran right up the spine. I assume that by then all humans will have circus contortionists for friends to help them get dressed. Just a minute while I fix that image in my mind…okay.

I like the idea of wearing the same clothes day after day and never having to decide what to wear the first thing in the morning. That just may be why I stayed at the Post Office for thirty years. I had a closet full of blue pants and blue shirts that I would put on everyday. I had to wear the uniform or I would have been sent home to change. In later years, some idiot in Ottawa decided that we should have options and came up with “wardrobe” choices. They were still a uniform, but there was a little more leeway. There were several different shirts to choose from and over the years I had accumulated different pant options as well. I didn’t want to choose, if I wanted to choose my clothing, it sure wouldn’t be the crap they handed out.

Now that I am retired, I can wear anything I want to. I can have a different outfit every day of the week. I don’t, but I could if I wanted to. Most days will find me in a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. Sometimes the t-shirt is swapped out for a regular shirt, but not too often.  I will sit in my pyjamas for hours trying to decide what jeans to wear and what colour t-shirt to wear. The jeans are relatively easy, it is one, two or three and if I wore two yesterday then there is a very good chance that I will be wearing two today. I had an idea to solve the t-shirt dilemma a while back which I thought was brilliant. I just bought four shirts that were exactly the same, grey with no writing and a breast pocket. Unfortunately, I can’t wear those shirts on consecutive days because if I do, people will think I didn’t change my shirt from the day before. They might be right, but that isn’t the impression I am trying to get across.

I find myself wondering how Mark Twain managed to get away with wearing the same suit for most of his adult life. Didn’t people wonder why a guy that rich wore the same suit day after day? Personal hygiene wasn’t as stringent as it is today and I suppose a guy could get away with wearing the same clothes for a month or two with just a little spot cleaning here and there. Why would Mark Twain pick a white suit to wear of all things? White? If you ever wondered if he were a little off perpendicular, wonder no more. White suits indeed!


I was born in the wrong century. The twenty second century is the one that will be best. Gold lamé, self cleaning suits with one zipper up the back is the way to go. I would have to find a friendly contortionist of course.

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