Saturday 19 May 2012

Plastic Money Tree

My lovely, thoughtful, generous and giving daughter (did I say lovely) gave me a gift a few months ago. It was a Money Tree.
I don’t know if you have ever seen one of these trees, but this one had four trunks that were braided together. I like to have plants around the house; it is just that like a lot of living things, they do require attention. I look after them when I remember to, and then I am all talky and generous with the water and sunlight. Most of the time, I give too much water to my plants and too little sunlight to them. The sunlight problem isn’t my fault; it is really the developers fault for building the house is such a way that getting sunlight is problematic. The water thing is my fault, feast or famine as they say.

My mom used to be very good with plants, and would give them tea to drink. She thought that there was something magical about tea and plants. I think she was nuts. Mind you, her plants did grow and mine don’t actually grow. I will walk by peoples houses and when I peep in the window (not like that) there is a jungle growing inside. How do they do it? I have the feeling that if I were to set up a grow op, not only would I lose money, but no mould would even grow on the walls. I would be charged with possession instead of intent to traffic. Lucky me…

So, Arwen bought me this Money tree and it is reputed to be able to bring money and good fortune to the owner. I am assuming that it will only work if the tree is alive and growing. My tree was doing great for a month or two, until Arwen came over and said that hers had died right away. Hers had died? What, was it a two for one kind of gift? Okay, still nice that she was thinking of me. Not as nice as if I were the only one to get a tree, but like I say, still nice. Ever since that day the damned tree has been getting worse and worse. Last week I was fondling it, talking to it and playing it some of the music that I like when I am under the weather. I even played it “The Replacements” with Keanu Reeves, which always cheers me up. So I was fondling this tiny tree and I noticed that three of the four trunks were dried out hulks. I am pretty sure that in plant speak, that is a bad thing.
If the damned tree is supposed to bring money and good fortune to its owner, where does this leave me? What kind of karmic bullshit is this? I tried my best; I even played it “The Replacements”. Maybe plants don’t like football movies. Does this mean that ¾ of my income is down the old shitter? I just checked the fourth trunk today and I think I may have to declare bankruptcy. Could the tree know about the recent downturn in the world economy? Greece started the whole thing and now they can’t even agree on a government. China is doing alright, but then they have the money tree market cornered. If you want good fortune, you have to go to the Chinese and buy one of their fucking trees!

I was at the Asian supermarket today and I saw a variety of Money trees at a store. Some were thirty five years old and looked positively affluent. I can see my bank balance going up if I had that baby sitting in the living room. Well, it would go down $1500 to start with, but I am sure eventually it would rebound, just like Greece’s economy. I still have that water and sunlight problem in the house though. I could hire someone to come and look after it, but that seems a little bit flip floppy. What if the person looking after the plant got the good fortune and money?

You know, in this day and age of gift cards, debit cards and all of the various credit cards, I just might be better off getting a plastic Money Tree.


  1. I know how you feel. I bought a "lucky" plant. After 2 years of caring for it, it hadn't changed my luck at all. I threatened to not water it, if my luck didn't change. I still have the worst luck. Ever. But at least it made me feel better killing it.