Tuesday, 22 May 2012

My Dog Has Been Eating a Skunk

I’m a little late getting started on the blog tonight due to the fact that I was watching the LA vs. Phoenix playoff game. I am not really a big hockey fan, but the games in the playoffs are sort of like a sports movie, lots of action and intensity and very little plot. The only thing that is missing is some kind of love interest, unless you count Ron McLean trying to pop Don’s Cherry. Heh…heh…heh. I will get back to the game later.

I was thinking about kids today. Specifically, the very young kids that are still in diapers and seem content to remain in diapers. We have all been there, but I don’t know about you but thankfully, I can’t remember anything about it. My daughter Maegan might be able to, she has an awesome memory of her early life, but like I say, I don’t remember shit.

Just what age is it when a full diaper ceases to be a warm, squishy, comforting feeling and becomes something so disgusting it doesn’t bear thinking about? Tornado seems totally comfortable walking around “packing” and if I didn’t know better I would say he even enjoys watching me squirm when I have to change him. The kid hardly eats anything and yet he can fill that diaper as regular as clockwork several times a day.

There have been times when what I trusted would be a fart turned out to have more substance to it. This can be self embarrassing, but nobody really is in the position to know about it other than the person who does your cleaning. The odd time it happened while I was far away from a change or any kind of bathroom facility and I just had to “tough it out”. Knowing that you had something between your body and underwear is bad enough psychologically, but after a very short while it begins to chaff. When you are a mailman, it isn’t long before it feels like you are wearing underwear made from 80 grit sandpaper.

This is what I can’t understand about kids. You know they are being bothered by a dirty diaper because they have diaper rash, but for some reason known only to themselves, they will just keep on playing until someone asks if the dog has been eating skunk. They must have a higher tolerance to pretty much everything than I do. Hurricane will be in the playground playing and after a half hour or so he will tell me he has a stone in his shoe. There are so many stones in there, that it is a wonder he could get his foot into the shoe. I can’t stand it if I have a fold in my sock.

Kids are weird!

So, tonight the LA Kings won the game well into the first overtime period. I guess if I were to care I would be happy…ish for them, but it wouldn’t have broken my heart if Phoenix had won. It wouldn’t have broken my heart if both teams lost, which isn’t really possible but there really should be a really rare set of unlikely circumstances which could make it happen. That would be fun to see.

These guys wear a lot of padding and several layers that overlap, some of which are taped in place, some are laced in place. Tonight the players were in uniform for over an hour and a half at least, so how do they go to the washroom? I know they freely spit on the ground in the team box, but I am pretty sure even hockey players wouldn’t crap on the bench. I am pretty sure… I suppose that they could get all undressed between periods, but I can’t see there being enough time for that.

There is really only one solution to this problem. Adult diapers!

That could explain why the players are so intense looking one minute and the next minute they have that look of pure bliss that can follow a personal pressure release. Maybe that is the origin of opposing fans yelling at the players “Hey! You stink!” or “Eat Shit, Gretsky!”  

I saw a commercial for adult diapers the other day where they had a couple of figure skaters try out these adult absorbent briefs. The skaters seemed to like them and had a wide range of movement to boot. I don’t need to have a wide range of movement, but I can see the TV watching potential and the benefit they would give during a car ride or when you are in the middle seat on a long flight. When people’s noses started to twitch and their eyes begin to water, I would just say with a look of pure bliss on my face “I think my dog has been eating a skunk.”

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