Saturday 6 August 2011

You Need More Insurance

You know what it is like when you have a long list of to do’s that you don’t want to do? Well, I have quite a long list, so of course I was web surfing. I don’t quite know how I got to this site, but it made me think of all of those things that you really shouldn’t do at home.

Home enemas would be very high on my don’t do at home list. I am not saying that an enema might help relieve certain biological problems. For a person like me that finds it a challenge to keep the urine in the toilet, I know that there would be a room somewhere in the house where the shit would have literally hit the fan/floor/walls. This is something that only a professional with protective clothing and a washable room should attempt.

Since I am talking about bodily functions, no one should use a home catheter. Sure, there is an aspect of convenience, but really, just how lazy are you? I don’t like it when my pants have static electricity and the leg sticks to my calf. I can’t imagine how weird a bag of warm urine would feel. I am pretty sure that sooner than I like, I will have a professional install a catheter in an antiseptic environment. I am prepared to wait.

The other day I was at Princess Auto and saw a set of dental picks for about three bucks. Of course I picked up a set. They were a good price after all. I do wood carving and with these little gems I can get into the tiny cracks and crevasses.  They are also really handy for unjamming a paper shredder. While I was standing in line, it occurred to me that there are some out there who believe (and rightly so) that getting your teeth cleaned is very expensive. It would be a simple step to go from wood carving to scraping plaque from your bloody gums. I am here to tell you that you can’t do it by touch and no matter how many mirrors you set up you just can’t seem to see the backs of your teeth. Leave this to the professionals as well.

The Chinese have been making and enjoying fireworks since the seventh century. What you can’t find out from Wikipedia is how many Chinese have died from fireworks since the seventh century. I had more than my fair share of close calls with fireworks when I was a kid. There was a time that if it weren’t for my neighbour, everyone would be calling me “Lefty”. Over the years I have lost control of a few fires, and in fact once I nearly burnt down a barn. I can only guess what would happen if instead of a computer room, Louise and I had a black powder room. Imagine the poor guest that asked to use the powder room and you directed them to the black powder room. Talk about explosive diarrhea. Just don’t make explosives in your house.

So, let’s sum up. Don’t do your own enemas...ever! A catheter is not a good idea...ever! You should never use razor sharp dental picks in your mouth at home...ever! You should never assemble anything in your house that could blow up and kill you...ever!

There are other things that you shouldn’t do, but if you are nodding your head up and down right now and thinking that maybe you should return the Stadium Pal, you are going to kill yourself sooner rather than later anyways, so I won’t bother with you anymore. Take out some more insurance.

1 comment: