Sunday 7 August 2011

What Is That?

The other day, Buster and I went out for our daily constitutional. Buster doesn’t need to walk every day, but he knows that if I don’t, then pretty soon I would look like a grape with arms and legs. Well, not a grape, but something like that only pale pinkish in colour.

I slept long but not fitfully the night before, so for most of the early morning, my head felt as if it were filled with chopped, brown paper. I poured the Cheerio’s in my cup with the tea bag and once they found the bowl I poured in the boiling water instead of milk. I was very careful to brush my teeth with toothpaste instead of the Polysporin that I initially picked up. I knew in some dark and dusty corner of my brain that I should just go back to bed, but the mean streets of Calgary demanded that Buster and I go for a walk.

The day was sunny but brisk. The shorts and t-shirt that I had on were borderline cool to cold, but I knew from years of delivering mail that I would soon warm up by walking. We had gone about a third of the way when I looked down at my chest and noticed bits of paper or cloth just sitting there. What is that? Upon closer inspection I realized that the bits of paper or cloth were actually the back of the writing that is usually on the front of the t-shirt. How could I not have noticed my shirt was on backwards? Oh well, I’ll fix this when I get home.

I couldn’t help but look down as I walked and the inside out shirt was just wrong! Who cares? It is just me and Buster and he smells shit and eats day old vomit, so his opinion really doesn’t sway me at all. Why does he keep looking back at me with that smirk on his face? Dogs can’t smirk! Can they?

You know, I often run into other dog walkers going in the opposite direction. What will they think? Who cares? They are barely nodding acquaintances, if that. I nod and they generally ignore me. They won’t notice that my shirt is on backwards anyways, they will just think it is a new style. Sort of like wearing your baseball cap sideways or backwards. For all they know, I could be the first in Calgary to wear this new style. Yep, all of the hip hop guys and gals will be wearing their shirts inside out.

Screw it! I can’t do anything about it anyways. Or could I? I could take off my headphones and my baseball cap (that I am wearing the way that it is meant to be worn), put the bag of dog shit and the leash on the ground and just take off my shirt, flip it right side out and pick up the shit, leash, hat and put the headphones back on. Easy peasy! That is just stupid, you are almost home. I know, I will just wait till I get home.

Shit! There is someone coming this way. No, she turned down that side street. Thank God! This just isn’t right, I feel like the world is coming unglued.

I put the bag of dog shit and the leash on the ground and just take off my shirt, flip it right side out and pick up the shit, leash, hat and put the headphones back on. It didn’t go as quickly as I thought and two cars full of people drove by watching an older gentleman taking off his shirt in the middle of the block and then putting it back on with his hat, bag and leash on the ground, while his dog watched with a smirk on its face.

I know it was silly, but all seems right with the world now. I feel like whistling. Everything is as it should be, except for that stain just below my left breast. What is that? Toothpaste?


  1. I feel your pain Ken and we have all had those days, but as we age it happens all to often. How many times do you check your fly a day to be sure your package is neatly put away and your not trolling? B

  2. About time I found your crappy (this one anyway) blog.

  3. Sadly, I even forget to check the fly, and Louise says there will be no trolling.
    Hi there Bill and Rose Lynn, are you sure you want to read this? It helps if you are drunk or illiterate.

  4. To the new followers Bill and Rose Lynn you should think of this blog as little Dr Phil and a little Oprah, but mostly B.S.! Now don't get me wrong I enjoy Ken's B.S. and have become a loyal follower of Ken's daily mishaps. Just when you think you reached the bottom and your feeling really down, read this blog and you soon realize Ken has it much much worse! B

  5. Hey...WTF???

    Okay, maybe...