Wednesday 17 August 2011

Not To Worry, It Tastes Like Chicken...

I think one of the things that set man apart from most of the other animals in the world is that we eat most of the other animals in the world.

There are other carnivores to be sure, but the vast majority of them have limits that they will just not go past. Not so with Homo-Sapiens! Not only will we eat the ugliest, most vile, aged (rotten), toxic piece of meat, we will wrap it in another ugly, vile, old, toxic piece of meat. It is just who we are.

Perhaps our lack of discretion when it comes to food is one of the other reasons that we have survived when so many other species failed. Not only will we eat mushrooms that a pig rooted out with his snout, but we will pay $300 to $600 a pound for them. The Japanese will eat a puffer fish that has to be prepared by specially licensed chefs because they can be highly poisonous. We will coat all sorts of bugs in chocolate and eat them as a treat. When our friends and relatives try to convince us to eat some of these hideous, disgusting things, they usually will tell you that “It tastes just like chicken.”  

My usual retort is that if it tastes just like chicken, then I will stick with chicken. A friend recently came to visit and brought a garbage bag into the kitchen, held it above his head and asked if we had room in our freezer for this. He had just arrived from a fairly lengthy highway trip through the foothills, so I assumed that it was road kill. In fact his face morphed into Jethro Bodines for just a moment or two. It turns out that the bag contained some “wild” unidentified (to me) meat that he received as a gift from a good friend. You know, I never thought that I would ever write a sentence that had the words “wild meat”, “friend” and “gift” in it. I guess if we live long enough, just about anything can happen. I realize that this is quite an honour, but it would be truly wasted on me. Now, if I were truly wasted...

Normally Louise and I will order a vegetarian pizza, or if we are feeling especially tropical we will order a Hawaiian pizza, but if we want to go all out, tits to the wind, thumbs on the bricks we will have a cheese and pepperoni. Tonight, after Louise had left to go paddling, Bill and I ordered two medium meat lovers pizzas. We picked them up and I don’t mind telling you that they made the car smell like heaven on a bun. (I don’t know either.) We got home and before I knew what I was doing I had eaten four pieces.

I kind of feel like I have been sucking the marrow out of the bones of a fresh kill. This is what it must have been like after the big kill at “Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump”. I am starting to have the meat sweats which I am sure will be followed by some kind of hallucination. Thirty thousand years of evolution shot in one evening of meat debauchery. What the hell was I thinking? That is the last time for sure.

You know, when I was leaving the pizza place I think the guy said “Not to worry, it tastes like chicken...”

For those of you that didn’t get the thumbs on the bricks reference, here is the joke it came from.

Two people went to Egypt on their honeymoon. They wanted to get camels to go out and see the pyramids and Sphinx and stuff. So they went to a tourist bureau to find a place that would rent them camels. The information guide told them to go to Heimi’s Rent-a-Camel. So they got directions and found the place. The tourists rang the bell. This short, fat man waddled out and asked if he could help them. They said they needed two camels to go out and see the stuff.

“Will that be a seven or a ten day camel?” Heimi asked. They decided to play it safe and asked for a ten day camel. So Heimi brought out a camel and set a 50 gallon bucket in front of it and made the camel drink. Well, the camel finished that 50 gallon bucket of water, so Heimi filled it up again and set it in front of the camel. The camel drank that one also. So, Heimi filled it up again. He did this routine nine more times. On the eleventh bucket the camel looked at it and turned his head away. Heimi came around front and said to the tourists,
“Now this is a seven day camel.”

Heimi then put the camel’s head in the bucket and picked up two bricks. He then went behind the camel and smashed the camel’s testicles between the two bricks. Well, that camel sucked up the entire 50 gallon bucket of water. Heimi came around front and said,” And this is a ten day camel.”

The male tourist was just writhing in pain after seeing that and squeaked out, “Heimi, doesn’t that hurt?”

“Nah, you just put your thumbs on the sides of the bricks!”

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