Friday 9 January 2015

Piss Poor

Lately I have been thinking about my demise.

I’m not trying to hasten it and I can’t say that I am particularly looking forward to it. I know it is on the way, but with any luck Death is facing a backlog and isn’t in too much of a hurry to make his meeting with me. I do want to know for sure what happens when I die one way or the other. I actually only want to know the answer if there is an afterlife, and to find out which religion was right about things. I’m betting on the Druids, but I’d be cool with the Hindus or the Anglicans. The Catholics are just a little too judgy and the Baptists seem to have too few marbles rolling around between their ears for my liking. God forbid the JW’s are right. They are such assholes! Muslims? Well, I could get down with the twenty one virgins, but I doubt the virgins would think they were in heaven and my idea of heaven doesn’t include 21 “Honey-do” lists.

That will all work itself out in time I suppose. Maybe I am already dead and this is my heaven. Things are pretty good right now and I can’t imagine wanting much more than I have now. I suppose it could also be someone else’s hell (Louise).

What I have been thinking of is the après life part of dying. I don’t want to leave the family to deal with all of the details that follow someone’s death. They will be distraught; well I think they will be. They might not be in any emotional state to pick out the songs I want played at my life celebration or the slide show depicting my life. Since I was a second child, there aren’t too many pictures of my early life and lately I have been taking a lot of the pictures so unless they want to use a photo of my thumb, they will have to do with selfies.

I think I have picked out the funeral chapel, assuming it is still there in thirty or forty years. I want my body donated to science, as long as I can get a promise that no one will laugh at me when I’m naked. The first student that makes the comment about how it must be cold in the room will have me haunting him or her for the rest of his/her life. Once they are done with it, I think the left overs should be cremated and encased in a plain looking geode and placed on Wonder Pass overlooking Marvel Lake. Who ever has the dubious duty of dropping off the rock will either have to hike a day or so up to Assiniboine Lodge or take the helicopter. They will get to see one of the most beautiful sites in creation.
I do plan to clean the garage out in the coming months so that the kids won’t hate me for leaving the mess for them to deal with. I just hope that they are able to see the special items that are left. I have a lot of things that have meaning only to me, and to anyone else the items would just be garbage. The grandkids get first dibs on anything they want, whether it is tools, books, camp stoves or just an item that reminds them of me. There won’t be much cash, and what there is will go to Louise to make her life as comfortable as possible.

I have given thought to making my own coffin, but being more than a little superstitious; I feel that might be tempting fate just a little. I have written this blog mainly for the kids and grandkids so that if they ever get misty eyed they can read a few entries and have a look into my mind, maybe laughing just a little bit.

I probably won’t do anything at all, but when they read this blog, they will know that I had the best of intentions. Piss poor follow thru, but good intentions.

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