Wednesday, 12 June 2013

Serial Killer


Have you ever wondered if you were capable of becoming a psychopathic killer? Well, maybe not a psychopath, but perhaps a killer that can justify his actions. You know, like putting an end to the person at work that doesn't do anything and complains about how hard they work. Pretty much anyone on a hospital, school, and bank or oil company board should really be fair game. Not all year, but perhaps we could have a season for hunting them, say in the early spring for a month or so around tax time. Oh yeah, anyone that looks you in the eye and says “It’s not personal…it’s just business”, there shouldn't be a season for those bastards, any time would be fair.

What got me thinking about this is there was a killing in the city and the reporters were interviewing neighbours about the incident. Usually they will say that there didn't seem to be anything out of the ordinary about him/her. I can’t imagine someone saying “You know, I had the feeling this guy was going to kill someone, and I just prayed it wasn't me. You should have seen the look on the guys face when I told him I called the cops, but it wasn't personal…just business.”

When someone does something really horrendous they dig a little deeper into his life all the way back to his childhood. I try to put myself in the killers place to think how well I would do if the powers that be dug too deeply into my background. They would talk to my childhood friends and they would tell the reporters that I did seem to like frying ants with a magnifying glass far more than was normal. I would spend hours setting my plastic army men all over a large dirt hill and then spend an equal amount of time placing fire crackers under them and completely destroying their “headquarters”.

Whenever I could get a chance, I would take a BB gun out and attempt to reduce the chipmunk population. The only thing that kept them alive was the fact that I couldn't hit a barn door with a baseball bat. I couldn't even hit bottles that I set on logs. I did try though. There was a time when I thought that I could teach myself to throw a rock with deadly force. I did get to point where I could hit a telegraph pole 90% of the time, but poles don't move around and rarely blend in to the surroundings with a natural camouflage.

I don't think that I didn't become a serial killer for lack of trying, but rather lack of commitment. I just didn't have the will and the drive to put in the time needed to become a really first class serial killer. I don’t think that I will take up serial killing in my old age; it is after all a young man’s game. Young people seem to have more anger and they seem to be able to channel that anger better than us old folks. I get angry when my coffee cup isn't filled to the brim, but rarely do I want to massacre the staff at my local Tim Horton’s.


Yeah, the only serial I am killing these days is my breakfast cereal.

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