Monday 21 November 2011

That Asshole With The Beard

I am one of those men that wear a beard. I think that it makes me look much better than if I wore no beard at all. I could look better I suppose, but that would involve a large bag covering my entire head, which would make driving, eating and touching my tongue to frozen posts nearly impossible.

I guess the main reason for my beard is that I don’t have to shave every morning. I know that you don’t have to shave every day, but if you don’t you look pretty scruffy, and if scruffy is the look you want, then just grow a beard. Beards make a statement about the man with the beard. Generally it is “Look how rugged I am.”, but it can also be “Have you been a good little boy this year? Ho…Ho…Ho!” Kids are starting to look at me and stop whatever bad things they are doing.

I picked up a bag of disposable razors a few years back and they are great for the touch ups that I need to do on my neck and cheeks. When you only shave a couple of square inches of face every week or so, the razor will last almost indefinitely. Well, they will last a few years. I thought that I should buy a proper razor that you can use over and over again. I actually have a shaving brush and it would be kind of nice to use it again. You can imagine my surprise when I found out that razors were from ten to twenty bucks and the replacement blades require a small loan from the bank. Well, that just isn’t going to happen! It has been about two months, and I am still using the last blade, but it is beginning to bite me of late.

I thought that I had the solution a couple of weeks ago when I went in to get the Holtor monitor attached at the hospital. I guess some men actually have body hair and it needs to be shaved off in order to hook up the electrodes. I sat on the bed waiting for the guy to come in and deal with me when I noticed about thirty disposable razors that had been…well…disposed of. I just couldn’t think of a way to ask for them without sounding really creepy. They would have been okay; I mean they only had one use and I would have washed them. I am still in a quandary about what to do about a razor. I just might have to bite the bullet and buy some more disposables. I did see a straight razor at the second hand store not too long ago, but the thought of bringing a four inch razor to my throat the first thing in the morning before my first coffee, doesn’t bear thinking about.

I was reminded today of a time when I did shave off my beard. I had had it for about 27 years and not only was I curious about how I would look, but the kids had never seen me without a beard. Should be fun. I shaved when I got home from work, and the kids were a little weirded out when they saw me, but they took it all in stride. They thought I was a doofus with or without the beard. Louise came home and screamed when she saw me. Not a good thing really. My buddy was picking me up outside the doctors and he just drove past me. I forgot to tell him that I might look a little different. I looked in the mirror and I saw my dad’s face. That was kind of eerie.

The next day at work I took a little ribbing from my co-workers and it was business as usual. When I was delivering the mail I came up to a house and the guy came to the door and said hi to me. I said hi back and he said “It’s nice to have a new mailman, that asshole with the beard was a real jerk!”

I looked him in the eye and said “Yeah, I have heard that a lot today. You know between you and me I have never really liked him, and you are right. He is an asshole.” I gave him his mail and kept delivering the mail, happy that I had a new friend. One positive aspect of shaving was that all of the people that I didn’t want to talk to couldn’t recognize me. It was bliss for a while. The trouble was, I had to bring a razor to my throat every morning before I was really awake, so I started to grow it back and have been fuzzy ever since.

My beard grew too…


  1. You did a real good job of grossing me out with the used razors at the hospital YUCK ! Your right about the cost of blades, I buy them at Costco and still drop $50 for a 3-4 month suppy. Linda doesn't like beards, not sure if this was because of something you did in your younger days but shaving will be with me for sometime. B

  2. HA! I'm going on year 6 with a beard. No one in the area I live in has seen me without it. I think of it as my disguise, if the man ever comes looking for me ill just shave it and I figure ill basically disappear. Of course seeing as everyone thinks I'm a terrorist its more likely the man will come looking for me. I use to do the minimal shaving, and when I last did I just used a nice pair of hair scissors (12$ at shoppers) but now I don't even do that. Most men have beard envy and most women are scared of it, but the women who get to know the beard love its soft touch of their skin. The thing about shaving is it will never end, so why bother fighting that loosing battle...