Thursday, 14 May 2015

That Muffled Bark

Okay, this is a weird one.

This afternoon, all of a sudden I started to sneeze and my nose began to run. I figured that it would be short lived and I would once again be the picture of health. It wasn’t short lived and it did not seem to be getting better, so I did what I normally do when not feeling good. I attempted to get some sympathy from Louise, but Louise told me that I would find sympathy in the dictionary between “shit” and “syphilis”. Nice…

I decided that the only thing to do was to over medicate and take a nap. I downed a fistful of the strongest pills I have that don’t need a prescription and lay down between the comforters on the bed. If you plan to sleep for the night, you get under the sheets, pull the drapes and turn out the lights. If you are just planning a nap then you lay fully clothed on top of the bed with the curtains open. If you are slightly sick and need some healing, comfort sleep, you draw the shades, take off your pants and get between the covers. I don’t make these things up, I just do what works. Okay, I did make that up, but it does seem to work.

The problem with the middle way (slightly sick) is that your body has no idea what the hell is going on. Are you tired? Did we change time zones? Should I set the inner alarm for eight hours? Why haven’t I been given any direction? The body gets no direction because the mind is befuddled. So, there I was in limbo.

When in limbo, I often get some odd dreams. Usually these dreams end quickly with some telemarketer breaking through the fog to see if I am happy with my cell service provider, if I have any old clothing or useful household items to donate or my name was drawn at random to win a Caribbean Cruise. Today, Louise took the phone off the hook and my dream wasn’t interrupted.

The dream started in the middle, with me trying to fix a hole in some strange dog’s fur, just behind the right shoulder. I had a metal tube that I was pushing under the skin, trying to get what looked to be a bottle cap through the hole. I was convinced that once the bottle cap thingy got to the hole, it would seal the hole and all would be well. I…..just…..couldn’t…..get…..the…..thing…..in…..place! I tried and I tried, again and again.

I knew I should stop and that I was probably doing damage to the dog. The people in the room kept telling me to stop, but I knew if I could only push that bottle cap thingy just an inch or so further, everything would be fine. Just give me another minute without any distractions. There comes a point in any operation when you know that not only don’t you know what you are doing, but that you have gone beyond what any rational person would have done. That rational person would already be on the way to the 24 Hour Emergency Pet Hospital. Not me.

The hole started to get a little bigger and right before my eyes and accompanied by the screams of everyone present, the dog slipped out of the hole. A dog’s fur has a looseness about it at the best of times and I suppose that with my poking that tube under the skin it became just that much looser. The skin turned inside out and was only connected at the feet, the tip of the tail and the face, everything else was naked, bleeding body. I have to hand it to the dog; he handled it like a trooper and didn’t panic at all. He actually was wagging his tail which by this time kind of looked like a bloody shadow. His bark was kind of muffled and far away.


I really didn’t know what to do. That tube with the bottle cap thingy was no use at all; never had been really. The people in the room disappeared and there was this pathetic looking dog standing on the coffee table in front of me. I did the only thing I could do, I woke up. Yes, the memory will disturb me for a few days, but they will fade. I hope. I fear that muffled bark will be with me for the rest of my life. 

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