Saturday 5 October 2013

Bait Doesn’t Get a Vote

I like to walk Buster every day, it’s kind of like when I would deliver mail, except that now I don’t have to walk up to every house and drop bits of paper into the mailbox. Bits of paper that no one particularly wanted or needed, I might add. Delivering mail gave me a lot of time to think, much like walking the dog does now. I don’t think about anything earth shattering, but over the years I have come up with some pretty impressive thoughts which might have changed the world. I have unfortunately forgotten what those thoughts were, but I do know they were impressive.

Today while walking the dog, we walked by this house that has a very large and seemingly very angry dog that is, thankfully, fenced in by a very large and very sturdy fence. Every time we walk by this particular yard, I put Buster on a short leash and try to envision what would happen if just this one time the gate has been left open and that very large, angry dog comes after Buster. My plan is to yank Buster up in the air and hold him out of harms way, while I kick said very large dog in his hopefully very large nuts.

I sometimes fantasize about grabbing the dog by the collar and either hanging him from one of the fence boards or tossing him into the path of an oncoming truck. Either way, dead would be good. The reality is that I probably couldn’t even lift the dog let alone hang him fighting and squirming from the fence. I might be able to toss it into oncoming traffic if the adrenaline kicked in, but I don’t imagine I would look very good on the six o’clock news.

“Yeah, I just grabbed him by the collar and swung him around for a while until I saw a truck coming, and at just the right time I tossed it so that it landed right under the front wheel. It was a beautiful toss!”

The microphone would probably say “Isn’t that kind of cruel?”

“I can see how you might see it that way, but I used to be a mailman and this is just payback for thirty years of having the Bee..Jesus scared out of me on a daily basis. Buster and I discussed it and really it was the only option, because neither one of us thought that a sternly worded “BAD DOG” would work.”

That hasn’t happened and I hope that it never does. What I thought would happen today is that an eagle would swoop down and carry Buster off. The eagle would only get so far and then the leash would have extended to the twenty foot maximum which would halt any upward or outward movement. It would kind of be like having one of those really cool kites that happened to have my dog in it’s mouth. I could swing it to the left, and then to the right, maybe I could make it swoop but I would be careful not to let it get right over head which might have disastrous effects. It could shit on me or even worse drop a panicked and bleeding Buster right on my head. I suppose that eventually, the eagle would either snap the cord or decide that the scrawny dog isn’t worth the effort.

That hasn’t happened yet, but there is a part of me that thinks it would be pretty cool. Buster is dead set against the idea, but bait doesn’t get a vote.

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