Tuesday 8 March 2016

An Unpleasant Aberration

I consider myself a normal kind of guy. Millions of people are like me, just a regular, run of the mill type. Nothing special.

I want to stress regular. Those with sensitive constitutions might want to click on the little red “X” at the top right and come back in a day or two.

I have never concerned myself with the foods I put in my mouth and for the most part, life has treated me pretty well. I don’t remember that constipation has ever been a problem for me. Sure, the odd time I went a few days without making boom-boom, but that was mostly due to being in some place with a toilet I don’t feel comfortable with.

I could never live in a country where the toilet is a hole in the floor. Aside from the fact that my aim is questionable at best, squatting has never worked well for me. I remember when I was very little, one of my first memories, I was on a golf course with my dad and I had to go. He sent me into the woods, assuming that I meant I had to pee, but the reality was much different and I ended up leaving my underwear behind a tree on the seventh hole. It was a defining moment of my life and I have never forgotten. Many years later, I had to squat on a Vancouver Island beach but I had performance anxiety even though there was no one within two miles. There is a tree near Tsocowis Creek that can thank me for the fertilizer and I thank the tree for something to prop my back against when I needed it most.

However, if I “know” the toilet I won’t have any difficulty. As I said, I am just a regular kind of guy. Maybe I can expect to have more problems as I get older and my body is wearing down. I don’t think I have over used that part of me, but I don’t really have anything to compare myself to. A buddy of mine in high school once estimated the number of times he would crap in his life. He took an average of 12 times a week X 52 weeks X 76 years = 47,424. Thanks for that benchmark Don. Personally I would be under that figure, but I don’t know anything about the wear and tear on the human sphincter. I figure I should still be good for many years to come.

Well, until this morning. The only way I can describe it is that I think I pushed a whole pineapple out. I don’t remember eating anything with thorns or sharp edges on it, but perhaps I was sleep eating and swallowed a Rubik’s Cube whole. I did have some popcorn yesterday, but I lubricated that with some pudding.

I am going to chalk this morning up to an unpleasant aberration which will never repeat itself. If I have anything to say about it, we will only ever have canned pineapple in this house!

1 comment:

  1. Cycling on multi day trips leads one to be creative with regards to today's topic. At times the bald ass prairie or the super busy highways don't lend themselves to one being discreet...sooo circle the wagons and let her fly.
    Then there's the times you get into some bad water or whatever and all concerns for privacy are kicked to the curb.