Monday, 8 July 2013

I Can Hardly Wait To Return


Every now and then I don’t think I belong here. Oh I know I was born here and have lived my life here, but that doesn’t mean I belong.

Sometimes, I will catch my reflection in the mirror out of the corner of my eye and something just doesn’t look right. Oh, I will admit that I have a few odd hairs growing where they shouldn’t and my nose is just a little large and odd looking, but that isn’t what catches my eye. The shape of my head doesn’t look right. Not only my head, but the heads of most humans don’t look right.

There are times when you see someone walking and it just seems preposterous that a creature could get around by that method. I’m not talking about someone that walks like they have a pickle up their ass, or someone that walks like a duck, although both of those are pretty funny. The way that people walk just isn’t right or it doesn’t look right.

It doesn’t happen all of the time, but when it does, it is really weird. It’s almost as if I am looking at an alien race going about their day to day business. The trouble is that I just don’t really know what normal is supposed to look like. I do know that normal isn’t balancing on two spindly legs that end on two tiny flat appendages that stick out at right angles from the leg. Normal isn’t a head that is narrower lengthwise than width wise with ears that face to the side. Ears should point forward or perhaps they should be able to swivel to cover the full 360°. I don’t know.

I haven’t talked to anyone about this because I really don’t want people to think I’m nuckin futs. I suspect that I’m not the only one that sees these differences from what should be normal. There must be others. Maybe I am alone, that would explain a few things. Like the times I have “passed out” or not being able to remember what I did during certain months in my life. God help me if the cops ever ask where I was and what I was doing March 17th 1987, or most of the seventies.

The only logical explanation is that I am the essence of a being from an advanced civilization that has been sent to live my life on Earth and report back my experiences when this earthly body dies. That would be the best way to learn about another planets civilization without having to actually come to some backwards, technologically retarded planet on the ass end of the galaxy. Nope, there will be no anal probes for my people. Well, not all the time anyways and then only for shits and giggles.

I don’t want to criticise, but they could have put me into the body of someone better looking. Mind you, to be fair, we all must look pretty ugly to them, especially since even I look odd to me. They could have picked rich parents for me. That would have been nice. Maybe I could have been born to a family that lived in Hawaii. I could have reported what it was like to live and die in paradise, instead of what it is like slogging through knee deep snow so that someone can get his People’s magazine and the latest Pizza Pizza flyer. I suppose that when you volunteer for a dangerous mission, you have to expect some unpleasantness.


I wonder if when I return to my people they will look strange to me or if they will seem normal. Will I get some kind of medal? I can hardly wait…

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