Lick a Few Envelopes

I wrote my last Christmas card today. I had most of them written and sent off last week, but this last one was to my uncle and I had to verify that he was still walking on this earth. He is and I got off a card to him. It should get to him in plenty of time for Christmas. It won’t mean much to him, we have never been close and to tell you the truth I have always been intimidated by him. He never gave me cause to feel inferior, but superior people can’t help but have that effect. He is something for me to strive to achieve though. It is a cliché, but he makes me want to be a better person.

I thought back to the cards I have written when I crossed Jack’s name off the list of cards to be sent. There may be one or two cards that need sending, but those will be from people I haven’t anticipated that I would receive a card from. Like the 40,000 plus people who have read the blog. Boy that would put a dent in the stamp budget!

I have SENT and RECEIVED columns beside each name and at the end of the season I look to see if the list is balanced. It doesn’t matter if I get a card from those I send to; the people on the list deserve to get a card from me due to their contributions to my life. People on the list have earned their place time and time again. I also use the list for the next year to make up the new list. Some people do get deleted, but more for death than any other reason.

The other day I was looking for an address for someone that should receive a card, but won’t get one because they didn’t put a return address on their card from last year. The old mailman in me says always, always, always put a return address on your letters! I found the envelopes from the past two years, but I didn’t have one from him. Yes, I know most normal people toss those used envelopes out, but sometimes they get put in the card box and wait for a year or two so that they can make you seem like a hoarder. Fucking envelopes!

 

It occurred to me that with the advances in genetic engineering, there is a very good chance I will soon be able to clone genetic copies of all of my friends. Well, maybe the significant others of those friends. Most of them will have licked the Christmas card envelope to seal it or possibly they sneezed while writing the card. I might get some random worker from the Hallmark printing plant that produced the cards and envelopes, but let’s just assume I can get viable genetic material from my friends. I don’t know what I would do with younger copies of my friends, but it could make for some interesting conversations.

I could probably form my own baseball, football or hockey team, but none of them were any good at sports, so really what would be the point. They are all pretty smart, but they also had more than a fair share of attitude. You know, I think I will just keep the envelopes and pass them down to my descendants. Sometime in a thousand years or so some geeky, bored genetic scientist might just create us all again just for shits and giggles.

It is a pretty remote chance and not likely to happen at all, but just in case, I think I should go and lick a few envelopes so that I can hang with my buddies again in a few thousand years.

I May Have a Problem

I guess every family has different ideas about what kind of snack to leave out for Santa on Christmas Eve. When I was a kid, we would leave shortbread cookies and a small glass of milk. In the morning there would be cookie crumbs on the plate and a mouthful of milk left in the glass. I always wondered why Santa didn’t eat the cookie crumbs and wash them down with that last mouthful of milk.

I’ve heard of people who leave brownies, candy canes, cupcakes, beer, pizza pops, chocolate milk, carrots or sugar cubes for the reindeer, meringues, mince pie, red wine, chestnuts, cheese and I have even heard that some families leave split pea soup to keep Santa warm on his journey. I’ve talked to a lot of people about this and although what is left for Santa may differ, one thing remains constant; he always leaves food on the plate.

I can understand why he might not eat anything after the first 100,000 homes, but to eat 96% of the cookies and leave the rest, just doesn’t make sense to me. Mind you, I have never met a cookie I didn’t like. Well, peanut butter cookies I avoid, but every other cookie is fair game. I shouldn’t say that, I can’t eat cookies made with carob or any of the so called diet cookies. Why even bother? That is one sure fire way to get some coal in your stockings.

I was just looking up the etiquette involved and there seems to be a difference of opinion. Part of the reason for leaving a bite or two of food on the plate is in order to show restraint and self discipline. I suspect that it at one time would indicate just how affluent you were because you could afford to waste food.

 

I was told to clean my plate because there were children in Europe that were starving. I could never figure out how my eating all of my food helped those poor starving children, but who was I to argue, I was a little kid. I still don’t like to leave food on my plate and it actually bothers me when others do leave food on the plate. Don’t they know that fifty years ago there were children starving in Europe? I watch TV and movies and the people will always scrape food from the plates into the disposal in the sink. Don’t they know there were kids starving in Europe fifty years ago?

I think that the main reason I keep my plate clean now is that I am generally the one that washes the dishes and it makes for an easier job if the plate isn’t covered in all kinds of crud. I may have a problem…