Double Batch

We have all been doing things for the past year and a half or so that we never, ever thought that we would be doing. I can remember seeing people wearing masks in stores, on the streets and riding bikes and I thought to myself, “What do these people think they are doing?” How nuts were they? I guess I should have been asking “How healthy are they?”

 

Like a lot of people I have gone thru the jigsaw puzzle phase, the baking bread phase, the bingeing on Netflix phase and the puttering about the house phase. To be fair though I have always watched far too much TV and I’ve been thankful for the pandemic to give me an excuse. Thanks pandemic!

 

My life didn’t really change too much, I was retired and take it pretty easy most days. Even when I worked I took it pretty easy most days. I consider my thirty years at the Post Office as kind of a pre-retirement training. The only real difference is that I don’t have to wear a uniform five days a week. Most days I can be found wearing an old Post Office hat or wondering what I should do with the uniforms that I still have. I kind of thought that they would be on mannequins in the KEN HARRISON MUSEUM by now. That might not happen…

 

When the twins were born (about forty years ago) we joined the Calgary Twin and Triplet club which was a support group for parents of multiple births. Having twins is a whole different thing than having a singleton and it was nice for Louise to be able to talk to other women that were bordering on going crazy. They also held a sale twice a year which allowed us to buy doubles of things for a fair price. The favourite thing was the Dukes of Hazzard pedal cars. It was a good fund raiser and another one was the sale of a cookbook called “Double Batch”. It had many wonderful recipes that we  used when the kids were small and more than a few that we still use.

 

Well, forty years takes it’s toll on a well used cookbook, so a couple of years ago I decided that I should retype the recipes so that we would have access to them digitally and if there was interest I could give the kids copies for their very own. Maybe other people as well. That was a couple of years ago and since then I have been hit or miss typing the pages. I can’t imagine the work that creating a cookbook would be. The virus came last March and I have been very busy doing nothing so the cookbook just sat on my desk collecting dust.

 

Two or three weeks ago I decided that it would get done sooner than later. I think I must have been avoiding doing some real work, but the pages started to get done. Some of the recipes are dated and there is little or no chance of ever getting made in this house. Our favourites are still there and since typing them up I have rediscovered a couple of old go to’s.

 

I just found a page that I missed containing recipes for Playdough, Finger Paint and Coloured Macaroni which will be added to the Wit and Wisdom section tonight. I will end this with the recipe for the

 

DOUBLE TROUBLE CAKE

 

 

Measure one cup flour into a bowl.

Remove Julie and Johnny’s hands from the bowl and wash them.

Re-measure the flour, add baking powder and salt.

Get eggs and milk from the refrigerator.

Sweep up pieces of the bowl from the floor.

Get a new bowl and measure the flour, baking powder and salt into it.

Answer the doorbell.

Return and remove 1/2 inch of salt from the greased pan.

Look for Julie and Johnny.

Answer phone.

Sweep up the pieces of the new bowl.

Clean up the egg on the chair.

Remove the stopper from the sink to allow milk to drain out.

Find Julie and Johnny by following the egg and floor footprints.

Wash Julie and Johnny, the floor, the chair and the remaining dishes.

Call the bakery and lie down.

 

Vivian Krogstad

 

I Like The Look of the Dirt

A couple of years back Louise and I went to one of the best Garden Centres in the city to find a grassy solution for where the three trees were taken out. The stumps were ground out and that leaves a mix of wood chips and dirt. I figured that since the lawn  is pretty crappy anyways and I know almost nothing about maintaining a healthy lawn it would be prudent to consult a Garden Centre expert.

 

We found our expert and told him all about our grassy needs. We told him about the trees that had died over a few years and the one that we just wanted to go. If a tree can be an asshole, then that tree was one. I gladly signed the death warrant with a smile on my face. I was more than willing to spend hard earned cash to ensure that I couldn’t see it. Our expert seemed to comprehend our lawn care needs and walked us over to the grass seed area. He made a production of rejecting one bag after another and eventually selecting the bag that would fit our needs.

 

He explained that suburban lawns, unlike wild lawns, are never allowed to go to seed and therefore don’t reseed themselves. I had no idea what whiny babies lawns were. I just thought they were a pain in the ass that needed weekly cutting, sporadic watering and very infrequent fertilizing. I have even watched people rake their lawns in the springtime to get rid of thatch whatever that might be. Of course we had to buy an extra bag or two of seed to help it get healthy after years of neglect. His words, not mine. I think we even bought some chemical or powdery something or other to counteract the acidity in the soil. WTF?

 

We went home knowing that in a few short weeks our lawn will look like something out of Home and Garden Magazine. I prepped the spots where the trees had once been and dutifully seeded and powdered said areas. Of course I also spread seed on the existing grass so that it wouldn’t feel left out. I kept the lawn watered and wet for the next few weeks and was rewarded with microscopic blades of green coming out of the ground. I am sure the birds had more grass growing out of their ass holes. I couldn’t tell if the lawn was happy, but it seemed to be the same surly, worn carpet that it always had been.

 

For the next couple of years I waited for the areas where the trees had been to grow nice thick, luxuriant lawn that was on the bag of seed. It always looked like it had jaundice and the blades of grass never got past the needle stage. I knew by last fall that I had been taken by a smooth talking Garden Centre grifter that obviously worked on commission and saw two rubes ready for fleecing.

 

Today I put down my own compost on those pathetic, jaundiced spots where the trees had been, mixed some seed bought at Costco in with the soil and stomped it down well. I watered it and will continue to keep it moist for the next few weeks or until the birds have eaten all the seed. I also spread seed on the rest of the lawn because I kind of feel sorry for it somehow. Thirty five years of neglect does seem like it could be my fault.

 

Anyways, I am done for the day. I looked out the window at the spots of seed covered dirt and realized that I like the look of that dirt more than I will ever like a green lawn.