Buy these Numbers

I was out in the back alley the other day taking out the trash when a gust of wind blew a tiny piece of paper against my leg. I would normally just shake my leg and be done with it, but since I was dealing with the recycling anyways I figured I should do the right thing.

It said “For most, when cravings occur they usually last only a few minutes. You’ve got what it takes to go smoke free.” Obviously some kind of feel good message they put into cigarette packages now. I am just not too sure how effective these positive messages are. When I was smoking, I just took out the pack and pulled out a smoke. I didn’t spend any time reading the pack or looking at photos of diseased lungs, I was just interested in having a smoke.

It seems kind of stupid to tell someone that is still smoking that the cravings he would feel if he happened to quit, would only last a few minutes. Why would he care? He’s still smoking and has no cravings, or if he does have a craving for a cigarette he just has to open the pack. Smokers don’t even think about quitting unless someone is bugging them to quit.

Oh, and I can tell you that the cravings last more than a few minutes. Try months and even years. That’s like telling someone that if you hit your thumb with a hammer you can lessen the pain by thinking about a kitten. Maybe, if you were to hit the kitten with a hammer instead of your thumb, but otherwise, you are in for a world of pain. When I quit, I would take a 2X4 and pound it with a hammer until there was no solid wood left, it got rid of some aggression and I suppose it saved a few kittens.

This little piece of paper went on to tell me that “Nicotine is the drug in tobacco that causes addiction.” Well, thank you Health Canada! I doubt that anyone knew nicotine was to be found in tobacco. You have to wonder how many years and millions of dollars it took to come up with this gem of wisdom. Well, at least they are earning their money at Health Canada.

I had a friend that was very high and walking alone late at night who found a sign on the sidewalk that read “THIS IS IT”. Of course he brought it home and mounted it on the wall, but to my knowledge he never found out what the “IT” actually was. Maybe he did and it was a message just for him. I wouldn’t mind getting a message from the universe, it might be fun. Well, as long as the message wasn’t about cravings.

I kind of hope that if the universe or God decides to communicate with me it won’t be from a burning bush or some random piece of paper that blows against my leg. Well, unless that random piece of paper happens to have a series of six numbers on it with the message

“BUY THESE NUMBERS KEN!

REALLY!

GET OFF YOUR ASS AND BUY A LOTTO TICKET WITH THESE SIX NUMBERS!”   

---GOD---

Nap

Do you remember that when you were in Kindergarten you got a nap every day? I do. We would spread a towel on the floor, stretch out and nap. Some kids wouldn’t nap, but it was definitely a quiet time. I can’t remember if we would get milk and cookies (probably peanut butter cookies) before or after the nap. I’m thinking after, but it was a long time ago. I’m sure it was meant to be a break for the teachers, so they could have a coffee and a smoke. Maybe take a valium.

Ever since Kindergarten, I have liked naps. I don’t trust people who don’t nap and I am a little worried about Tornado and Hurricane, but they are still young. In my early teens I developed mononucleosis. The only things I can remember about it is that sometimes it is called the kissing disease (no way), and that I slept a lot. It was the perfect illness for me, I got time off of school and sleep was not only part of the disease, but a big part of the cure as well.

High school teachers weren’t as enlightened when it came to naps; they felt that if I were in school I should pay attention. I would have done better if I had slept and absorbed the knowledge subconsciously. I couldn’t have done much worse.

University professors just didn’t care if I slept or not, so I slept. I slept in class, in the hall, on the grass, on grass, in the library, in a dorm, in the cafeteria and in the Student Union building. I kind of majored in napping. If I had stayed, I could be the go-to guy when it came to napping in the world.

The “power-nap” was the most important part of delivering the mail. Technically it happened at the end of the day, but without that rest, the Post Office would have come to a screeching halt. Yes, no one would have noticed, but it would have happened just the same. That nap was the reason we could go full tilt without taking a break. You need something to look forward to.

Now that I’m retired, I still honour the nap. It’s not necessary, but it is still wonderful. You stretch out on the couch, floor, bed or outside on the grass and slowly and gently you drift into nothingness. You are gently brought back to consciousness by bird song or the distant sound of a lawn mower. An hour or a half hour is so refreshing, that you can handle the rest of the day no matter what it tosses your way.

I had forgotten about the milk and cookies, they just add so much to the experience. I think I am going to bring the milk and cookies back. Maybe Baileys and cookies…