Naked

Okay, just so that you know and aren’t blind sided or blinded, there will be no photos attached to this writing.

It takes me between eight and ten seconds to get undressed. I have timed myself. You might be wondering just why I time getting undressed. It is better to be looking at a clock than my ever increasing naked body in the mirror. I am used to seeing it and there is really nothing of note, perhaps a new wrinkle, blemish or oddly disturbing discolouration.

I do wear fairly simple clothing with few difficult or hidden hooks, snaps, zips or velcro which would probably add time to other people. Mind you, after sixty years or so of getting undressed even the more complex fasteners should be easy peasy. Well, unless there is an arthritic problem.

I suppose that if I were in a hurry I could knock off a second or two, maybe even three if there was something really important that needed me to be naked. Truth be told, it has been many years since I needed to get naked in less than five seconds. However there was that time a few years ago when I was sitting on the grass watching the world pass slowly by when I looked down and all I could see was ants crawling all over me. I would have liked to break the speed record for nakedness that day, but the people laughed hard enough at the old guy dancing without music. I can just imagine how quickly that laughter would have turned to 911 calls were I to get naked.

I do remember when I was a kid that taking off my clothes took no time at all if I were to go skinny dipping. There was something so liberating to be naked in a lake and naked in a lake at night was even more exciting. Well, until something slimy brushed by your leg and visions of a fish biting unprotected body parts came to mind. I couldn’t get out of the water fast enough. I don’t suppose that everyone had the opportunity to skinny dip which is a real shame.

As I got a little older there were times when I couldn’t get my clothes off fast enough. My body was less wrinkled, tighter there was much less of it back then. It wasn’t painful to look at. Not many chose to look at it, but I felt that those who did want to look at it shouldn’t have to be kept waiting. I was thoughtful that way.

I watch TV shows and a young couple burst through the door locked in an embrace, struggling to get the other person naked. I wish I could tell those actors that if they just take a step back from each other and spend eight to ten seconds on removing their own clothes, the end point would be reached faster without any unfortunate accidents.

This isn’t a challenge at all like the “Ice Bucket Challenge” of a few years ago, but maybe it could be. I would like to know if my time is average, below average or perhaps my super power is removing my clothing. I can’t really go up to strangers and ask them how long it takes them to get naked or what article of clothing is the most difficult to remove. Well, I could, but I suspect I would soon lose my freedom and have to get undressed in front of thieves, murderers, rapists and crooked politicians.