I Can Believe In a Fat Vampire

Do you believe in ghosts?

 

I can’t say that I do, but I am willing to admit there are things that defy explanation. Probably the reason that I don’t believe is that I have never been anywhere that there are ghosts. Canada is a pretty young country and we really haven’t had the opportunity to build up a good healthy supply of angry spirits. Sure there would be native ghosts, but from what I understand they were one with the Great Spirit and returned to it or something like that. Besides, the indigenous population was relatively small and the chances of running into an angry native are pretty remote.

 There are people who die for various reasons that would make them want to hang around to get even. Except they can’t get even, because they are not corporeal. I’ll tell you that if I had killed someone, it wouldn’t bother me that much if doors would close or candles blow out, I’d just open the door and relight the candle. Go ahead and rattle your chains! Ghosts just seem to add to the charm of these old homes. I guess all ghosts are charming when you have never seen one. I would shit my pants if I actually saw a ghost that was out to get me.

 

I really don’t believe in the undead. Well, I guess everyone that is alive is technically one of the undead and some of the people you see on the street are pretty scary. I don’t believe that dead people rise from the grave and all of a sudden develop a taste for human flesh. I remember reading that one of the reasons man survived against much stronger predators that had large teeth and very sharp claws, is that we taste bad. If given a choice, a lion will eat a nice tender lamb instead of a smelly, stringy human. I would think that zombies wouldn’t be any different than lions when the choice was actual food or human flesh.

I have trouble understanding why we humans are on the planet; I sure as hell have no idea why someone would rise from the dead just to shuffle around after screaming people. I guess I don’t believe in zombies because I’ve never seen them either. Oh, and I don’t want to see any.

 

Vampires are just stupid. I don’t understand the current fascination about vampires. Sure, it doesn’t hurt that they are all really good looking and terribly sexy. Personally, I don’t find that a being who is about to suck the life out of me, is that sexy. If you want the life sucked out of you, then get a job with the Post Office and before you know it you will be old and used up, unloved and unemployable.

 

Wouldn’t a really successful vampire be extremely fat? They would have all the “food” they needed and get to sleep in whatever coffin they choose. I guess they would keep a herd of prey and whenever they needed some nourishment they’d just cut one out of the herd. I still say that lambs of cattle would be a better food source for them. No, a successful vampire wouldn’t have a care in the world.

I can believe in a fat vampire.

Massacre on 32nd

Survival of the fittest is nature’s way. The theory being that the strong will survive and live to breed, creating stronger and stronger offspring generation after generation. That’s the theory, but the reality is that while the strong struggle for the top honours, some weasel is sneaking in and having their way with the female. Thus, it isn’t the strong that pass along their genes, it’s the slippery bastards and that is why there are so many politicians.

I was walking along today and I witnessed that aftermath of survival of the fittest. There was a less fit bird that lost his place in the evolution of the species. I couldn’t tell whether it was another bird or flock of birds that attacked this bird, but it must have been a hell of a fight. I picture a lone bird being attacked by a “tiding” of magpies or a “murder” of crows, flying high and low, veering to the east and then the west, into trees and under bushes, until eventually, exhausted it makes a desperate last stand beside the Costco parking lot.

It must have been quite a long and arduous chase, because when the “tiding” or “murder” finally caught their quarry, it wasn’t pretty. I don’t know how, but it appears that they fed the bird into a wood chipper. There were feathers spread up and down 32^nd street as far as the eye could see. Where would they have found a bird sized wood chipper? Is there a Rodgers Rent All for the avian nation? What do they use for money? How do they get around not having thumbs?

I suspect that they didn’t use a wood chipper, but used talons and beaks to get the same effect. I don’t know why they were so pissed off at this particular bird, but they plucked every feather from its body and then I would imagine they got nasty. I saw lots of feathers, but no remains. I can’t help but wonder if the bird was eaten alive or if it mercifully died while being plucked.

Yesterday, a pigeon crashed into our front window, and dropped to the ground. I looked out and it was lying still on the grass. A Crow landed beside it and pecked at its tail and then flew up to a branch just above it. I looked at the tree and there were at least five crows and six magpies sitting in the branches. Not on my watch they don’t!

I went out with a noise maker and frightened the birds away. I was going to pick up the pigeon and say a few words over his dead body as it was being interred in the garbage bin. However, the noise maker was loud enough to bring good old Pigeon back to life and it took off and hid in the hedge. I figured I had done my duty and given it a chance to fight for its life. I did some good yesterday!

Well, perhaps I just delayed the inevitable, judging from the massacre on 32^nd. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose and at other times we just put off the inevitable.

A bevy of quail
A bouquet of pheasants [when flushed]
A brood of hens
A building of rooks
A cast of hawks [or falcons]
A charm of finches
A colony of penguins
A company of parrots
A congregation of plovers
A cover of coots
A covey of partridges [or grouse or ptarmigans]
A deceit of lapwings
A descent of woodpeckers
A dissimulation of birds
A dole of doves
An exaltation of larks
A fall of woodcocks
A flight of swallows [or doves, goshawks, or cormorants]
A gaggle of geese [wild or domesticated]
A host of sparrows
A kettle of hawks [riding a thermal]
A murmuration of starlings
A murder of crows
A muster of storks
A nye of pheasants [on the ground]
An ostentation of peacocks
A paddling of ducks [on the water]
A parliament of owls
A party of jays
A peep of chickens
A pitying of turtledoves
A raft of ducks
A rafter of turkeys
A siege of herons
A skein of geese [in flight]
A sord of mallards
A spring of teal
A TIDING OF MAGPIES
A trip of dotterel
An unkindness of ravens
A watch of nightingales
A wedge of swans [or geese, flying in a "V"]
A wisp of snipe